Winter's solace

Hand me a sunshine of solace
Im stitching the hems of my soul
Looking for places
Still nowhere to go
Simmer me in silence
With the sound of my heart beat in my ears
Barren landscapes
Something always refused to grow
Searching for a mirror
In faces that had no eyes to see
Tracing fingertips
In hands that can not hold
The world keeps on spinning
Erase my existence
I was never really here
Run up to me 
To tell me you'd want me to stay
Long after I've faded from your memory
The butterfly's wings on the wintry wind
The color in the dull gray sky
Sometimes this is only what it means to be alive.

Who we are

Someone said, "You're a really tough woman". I held back from saying, "I wish I didn't have to be".

Tenderness and love. Give me tenderness and a place to rest my head. When the lights turn dim, a hand to hold. The warmth that I don't have to do it all alone. I have all the magical solutions to fix the punctures in my deflated world.

My sister telling me, "You had it the hardest".

Recalling my ex kissing my forehead saying, "you were the scared little girl who everyone failed to protect so you turned into the woman no one or nothing can break. I'm sorry, I hurt you". I've built a throne made up of all the sorries I was not there. Carefully collecting them from every corner. Then burnt down my kingdom.

Fear. I have gulped it down all my life. Look straight at it in the eye. Everyone building rainbows to stop it from creeping in me. If only I was allowed to be scared. With safe hands to shelter me. Who we are and who we become. In the absence of mercy

If I can take one more hit, I can take my life

If I can take one more hit, I will take my life

Take it, take it

Swallow it down

Shove it down

These bruises will heal,

Until the body refuses.

Purge out all of the bullshit and their philosophies. We are still standing as a sign of some of sort twisted victory.

Who we are and oh god what have we become.I am not a lover, I am not a fighter. I am only a human. Heart thrown to the ground. Smashed to the floor. Here's a piece left of me. Take it. Pick it if you want. I have no use or need for it now.

But, in my silence, that little girl peers at me

When I look at her, she smiles and runs to my arms. Her first home finally of safety.

Who we are…and..in the process..who we become.

Daddy's little girl

Daddy's little girl. 
The country's whore,
Carrying the cold winter,
Like a happy rainbow. 
My soft slow gentle hands, 
Cutting through the heat of the shame,
Lifting these veils of pretense, 
Letting the heaviness fall under its own weight,
Looking in each other's eyes, 
The rage you burnt is the fuel in me,
My mother birthed me on the day of Bloodshed and victories,
Thy Kingdom shall come,
But the wars that we waged were unholy, 
Flinching at the sound of each other's voice. Daddy's most favorite. 
I told you, I'm you 
But you couldn't even look at me. 
Vehemently shaking your head, 
God have mercy if that'd be true
But I still have your broken heart and mine,
Carrying longings for love,
Sheltering strangers to feel a piece of home
I told you, I'm you 
Too hurt and full of pride to give in,
Held up our heads so strong,
Unbreakable,
Until we both broke one another.
The hate you got, you gifted to me.
Open wounds passed on wakefully
I hope you're finally at peace. 
And when the final day arrives, 
when all our sins are forgiven 
Maybe for the first time, 
We can stand heart to heart
And forgive each other
Forgive each other for not being enough
Then you can say
Daddy's little girl 
Oh how you are proud of me
Maybe then it would finally be heaven for me.

Light it up

I told you when I was leaving,
I'll find someone better than you to love me,
But even after years, 

Never found anyone who is curious about me,

Maybe I should set myself on fire
For someone to have mercy on my light
But you know I have been invisible all my life
The heart can burn and burn
Until it turns cold as ice
I take refuge in knowing
You used to see me and smile
Once upon a time,
You knew the flickering of my eyes
The real feelings behind my fake smiles
Squeezing my hand so I wouldn't go off alone
Now alone is the only place once again I know
So I lean against walls
Pretending it's your chest
Trying to recreate the only safety I ever felt
But it feels as hard as your love
Just standing there, 

Never getting through
But you know,

I've also always been an outsider too
Breaking off pieces of me for crumbles of love from everyone until I couldn't 
You too hurt me in ways in which love shouldn't
I wake up breathless and scared in the middle of the night 
On days that get heavy,
Despite everything still pretend you're by my side,
I know, I know
This is a world where anything can be
Except you and me,
I never want you near me,
And I think it's time to leave
Still there's no place to go
Nowhere I need to be,
But it's time to leave.
Pack my bags and find a home for me.

Strangers

I wonder if you think of me as much as I think of you,
What would you remember from my face? 
I can still outline the crinkles of your eyes,

The corner of your mouth when you smiled,
What would we say if we ever ran into each other? 
Now that we're strangers. 
We've been years apart,
You are a stranger. 
But you were the only person who ever felt like home to me,
Now, what does that make me? 
I would show you how I lost the color from my hair on the eve of our goodbye,
I lost the color from my world too,
I still see emptiness more than light. 
I also lost my voice, 
Too many days where I drowned the desperation inside of me,
Too many days alone by the sea thinking,

What would you say if you ever saw me that way?
I would show you the wrinkles underneath my eyes,
The tiredness only you held back for me.
I'm losing things again. 
Time, space, objects,
Me,
Orienting my face towards the sun, 
Repeating the Mantra into life like my breath, 
I'm here. I'm here. 
Even if you remain gone. 

The heart that burns

My world could use feeling lighter,
With the sound of your voice, 
Over the crashing of the waves, 
The quiet places, 
where I thought I had everything I needed, 
The grand exaggerated gestures, 
And dreams even bigger, 
Your soft heart is the most beautiful part of you,
You always told me wiping the tears from my eyes, 
When I thought the world had gone mad,
Gone too cold,
Now, I lit that heart to keep the warmth,
It burns,
A dull flame,
Sometimes, the only light that I see,
Don't go cold, I tell it,

You are the reason to,
Endure,
Feel, 
Touch,
Love,
Awaken,
Even when everything you held precious is gone.

Baptize me

This heart has been burnt in life's heat,
I walk alone with these endless miles beneath my feet.
I keep sending out SOS signs for blind eyes to see,
My faithlessness reeking off too long,
So douse me with holy water and baptize me,
Give me a holy mouth, 
To pour all my unforgivable sins in,
Build me a temptation that craves me,
Lay me down with reckless hands, 
Softness is a stranger,
Her address unknown to me,
This, here, is a ghost town,
There's nothing left to see,
Only dead memories live inside of me.
The last of my dreams have gone to sleep,
It's been too long, I'm just running on empty,
It's been too long, I'm just running on empty,
Maybe I am a thing that grows in silence
And keeps passing every misery.