I was loved

Do dates really matter,
Once time has flown away?
I still measure my days by the presence and absence of you showing up in my mind,
I don't know how to count days to never seeing you again,
I still wake up wanting to tell you things,
Run to you squealing,
"Look at what I did, you would be so proud"
I, finally, learnt to parallel park,
I heard you giggle in my head that day.
After you, silence only stretches across my tongue as the sea to the horizon,
I don't hear my voice so much anymore. 
Your absence showed me how much of my life I'll walk alone. 
Stopped reaching out for hands to hold,
I'm no longer afraid of what may come,
I heard someone say love is a rare phenomenon. 
So I let that part of you go
That dug nails and teeth in my soul 
And ripped pieces of it out. 
I only keep that part of you that loved me.
And even as time continues to keep us apart, 
There will always be a part of us in me,
The girl who ran to you with glistening eyes,
And you, the boy who held out his arms, kissed her forehead and loved her back.
It was love. 
I was loved. 

Lachesism

 Wrap me up in love. 
Tell me that I am beautiful, 
That I am finally good enough. 
This weight,
This intensity of me, 
Too heavy for you to carry
That you tried to fold in, 
Take your time, this time, to bend me. 
Take your time to break me. 
Tell me again how much you love me. 
Say it over and over again,
I need hollow words to put my hopes in. 
Somewhere, I lost my heart along with my innocence,
After that, even my mind has lost its rhythm and has never been quite the same. 
It's funny how one person can leave behind so much empty space, 
And despite so many around, 
No one can ever fill that place. 
I'm still looking for somewhere to breathe, 
No one has ever spoken to my soul the way you did,
They only come rushing in to fix or change me. 
I'm still walking alone in the darkness in every dream.
On days the world feel cold,
I snuggle with the memories of when you sometimes loved me,
I wrap myself with love,
Of what I imagine it to be,
Tell myself that I'm beautiful 
That I am good enough. 
Love parts of me that you couldn't,
That you wouldn't. 
No matter who or what has left,
Of everything dead and gone,
I'm still a home to myself.

Forgetfulness

I miss you never rolled off my tongue, 
But you have become my every poem.
Of everything gone,
You somehow still sleep inside of me, 
I close my eyes and still call you my home,
Even if it is lost.
I still have dreams of you holding my hand 
against your chest, 
Your heart beating against me, 
Even in my forgetfulness, 
You continue to stay. 
I try to call you a mistake. 
That's what everyone says. 
Head over heart. 
But yours is the only face I see,
When the world's walls come 
crashing in on me. 
No hands reaching in.
This is not a heartbreak.
Yet, you are the kind of sadness 
that never really goes away. 
No, this is not a heartbreak. 
But something in my heart forever remains empty.

Time Travels

There are things no one talks about, 
Keep them silenced,
Keep them small,
Wrap that pain in a nice colorful gift box,
Make it happy, 
Make it pretty 
Honorary medals as praises are given, 
To the brave, 
To the bold,
To the strong,
The world simply loves a hero. 
Don't spill your heartache there, 
Cover that weariness over your bones,
There's no one here. 
Trade in your strength for disarray, 
Quiet now love. 
Come to me. 
In the places where nothing ever grows,
On the roads, that lead to nowhere, 
In the dearth of joy,
Where your hands are empty. 
Quiet down,
Slide into those shadows, 
In the absence of warmth,
The world forever looks for the light,
But,
Fear not,
Is it here that you will become.
x

Even memories die

I read, all our memories die with us,
They're only alive, 
With the people we shared them with,
Yet, ours died way before either one of us did,
I seem to be the only one left, 
Cupping them gently in my hands,
I still remember your eyes,
When you said I was beautiful,
Running to tell you, "what's up"
My hands moving faster than my mouth,
Your nods, 
Even when you didn't understand.
I, now, in your absence
Still sit next to you within the hospital walls,
Remembering all those times you held my hand,
Stroked my hair, 
Until all the blood was out.
I see you standing behind the window,
Refusing to sit,
Until the machines stopped whirring.
Telling me, we will get through this.
I am. 
Do you know,
You were the only one in the whole world
With whom I felt completely like me?
Ran incredibly wildly free.
Silence has comfortably settled inside me,
Ever since the day you really went away,
Seems like I have nothing left to say,
But the lakes and the trees still talk to me.
Do you know of all the wondrous things I have seen,
Of the crazy adventures and the beauty?
Do you know my entire world will completely die with me?
Do you know, 
Letting you go is still the hardest thing I've ever done?
Loving you made me so so brave,
But losing you has made me fearless,
The hand of fate has already struck,
What more is there left to lose?
Except only me, this time.
I keep my door open now,
For those who wish to leave.
Let them come.
Let them go.
There's no consolation they can offer me. 
I always pray your side of the world is filled with grace,
Like mine, has been filled with repentance, tranquility, mercy and a whole lot of love,
All the things that make it gentle, 
As I'm slowly starting to forget your voice and face 
"But even if I could go back, I wouldn't belong" - C.Z

But it isn't love

Tell people you love them 

Before it's too late, 

But a bucket full of water 

Will not douse a house burning down.

Fleeting time is not a friend, nor a savior. 

No amount of pulling the clock's hands apart,

Will ever stop it from running out. 

Galaxies are forever collapsing,

The death of stars, inevitable.

How could I have ever thought we stood a chance.

Our goodbye was fated in our first hello.

Yet, I have learnt to love you in transitions. 

The laughter in your eyes as you rode by my side, 

The cold wind on our cheeks 

under the fiery New Year's sky. 

The subtle soft sighs.

You were a feeling I did not know could exist

and neither was I ever prepared for

I was always torn between wanting you to stay,

And somehow hoping you would leave.

Now, you are neither here, nor have you gone away.

I don't know what it is that you do to me, 

All my wounds come up to breathe,

But more than that,

You soften my rough edges. 

Pull back the curtain of darkness 

So that I can soak up the light. 

Put my fears to sleep.

Let me rest my worries. 

Every world that I had ever built 

Came stumbling down 

Under the intensity of your gaze. 

I was always seconds away from you owning me.

With all the space between us,

You still touched me.

You still changed me.

But you have never said that you loved me. 

Neither do I know for it to be true.

But I know this to be true. 

In a world where people's hearts get broken, 

Your existence somehow had a way to mend mine.

The Here And Now

 I try to be here. 

Face towards the Sun,

Letting all the shadows fall behind me. 

I try to ignore the grief,

Caught in the back of my throat,

The heaviness pressing down steadily on my shoulders.

I ignore the empty spaces. 

There's so much here,

Yet it's always little out of reach. 

Always eluding,

Never really mine.

Still there's so much warmth here. 

In the same way how my body was once held,

The way I traced faces,

Running my fingertips up and down, 

Like I found the map to some lost treasures.

There's still so much grace here. 

The way mother Earth holds beauty within her heart,

The way she holds me.

I try to fill light in those spaces, 

Letting everything pass through my fingers like the wind. 

They are not mine.

I try to ignore the losses,

Because I know love is here, 

Because I know love is here,

Because I know love is here,

And I carry all of it.

Love's definitions

I tried counting the miles between us today,
the places we had been,
but I realized the footprints were gone,
And the scenery anew. 
I couldn't recall your face, 
Your fading smile,
or the sound of your voice,
Even love feels different now, 
Like kind eyes, soft smiles and gentle touch,
Snuggles on a wintry night. 
Endless laughter. Affirmations, I'm here.
That I'm no longer a visitor but actually belong.
Tears. Only this time of happiness. 
Coming up for air after holding my breath till I was blue,
And being able to breathe. Really breathe.
Like I can feel the sun on my skin,
My cold and empty heart finally opening again 
from the warmth.
Even you feel different now. 
Like the weariness after a very hard and long journey, 
The bruises left behind from holding your fist too long,
Like the departure once the plane lifts into the air, 
Like it's finally gone, 
And that we are finally over.