Sunday, October 11, 2009

From the shadow into the light

O my Beloved,

When eternity ends and I shed this worldly skin to return to You,

Will You Remember my tears that turned oceans into storms that engulfed the clear blue skies and made the clouds weep in Your Longingness,

Will You Look at my empty hands, that once held the riches of the Earth, only to come to You with nothing so that they may caress the essence of Your Light,

O my Beloved,

I shall walk, barefoot, on all the burdens of the world, stripped of my pride, just so I can come to You, stark naked, as I was born, that You may See, everything that I need lies with You,

I shall give up the praise of the morning sun and it's glory to enter into the darkness of the ground to bask in Your Glimmering Light which You Shine through me,

O my Beloved Lord, My Most Precious One,

I submit and I surrender

Now

I am Yours just as You are mine.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

The Departed - R.I.P

My pen dribbles parts of my soul away on an empty canvas, trying to paint a forgotten dream. Putting together pieces of who we were to resolve the madness that drove us to annihilate each other.

Every centimeter of my universe became alive with the whisper of your presence, as you strut in and out the chambers of my heart. An unbreakable bond, that was celestially approved, was forged between us. Each with a broken wing, together, we began to soar. I was yours and you were mine. Through toil and trouble we pressed on, like proud soldiers, holding their heads up, victorious from the war. But when we began to face the enemy, we found it inside rather than it lying beyond us. Our own demons and shadows set ablaze all that was innocent and pure, leaving behind a trial of exasperation and hollowness.

Like the turning season, I, then, began to change. As we marched forward, the war became a lost cause. A realization hit me that I only embarked this journey to escape the shame of facing who I was. I sold myself off to you for a dime so you could love what I hated. Like a hurt, lost and blinded fool, I waded around, sometimes stopping you in your tracks to discover how valuable I was for you.

I walked great lengths to cover the distance in your eyes but still you were nowhere to be found. Silence, happily, crept up to my heart and wrapped it in a cloak of misery. Questions and questions hounded me until my mind went numb and choked the essence of our love, completely tainting it away. Illusions that never became real tore me down, brought me on my knees with eyes wet towards the open sky, waiting for a miracle.

In the heat of the battle, I mustered enough courage to raise my white flag and throw my hands up as I surrendered. I could no longer fight, this fight beside you. You, with your selfish agendas, could not convince me that all this destruction could justify the end. I felt impoverish in a queen’s robe, confused of all the admiring eyes because, all this time, I felt I was alone in this even when you were lying right beside me, right here in my arms.

The abandonment overwhelmed you with feelings of betrayal to the point you only spitted out words of anger and hate. You gloated about how you could simply hold me to the ground and bring my life to a halt. But you know I would never hurt you that way. So blame me now, for the fall, if it allows you to hide the truth behind the masquerade. Set yourself free of the guilt. There’s no one beside you anymore to judge.

But in the abyss of the night when darkness shields you away, do I still run inside your mind, swearing I’ll be the one beside you to watch you sleep? To run my finger on your face, in awe at the beauty of your soul? Would you look me in the eye and swear that you would spin out a whole new rhythm for us to move to, if time could be reverted back to where it all began. Does your heart still cry out for me? Do you still taste the nights when my sweat trickled down your skin and every breath you took was mine. Is my soul still somewhere tangled with yours?

Or have my memories already faded to black? Can you hold your pride up high, adamant, you have no regrets and swear I was always dispensable for you.

O my beloved, despise me, for all the years I gave you, if it makes you feel like a man. Scream poisonous words that are meant to break my heart. Everything will easily slip down my shoulders. Your reign over me came to an end, when I found my way out, and you’ll never hurt me again. Never again.

Now, I’m returning to the lands we marched on and left behind for the sake of our love. This time, I as I and not as we. All alone I plant these seeds of love and hope and I’ll wait for them to grow until all this death is, slowly once more, replaced by the colors of life and you and I gravitate to the ones to whom we really belong.

Sunday, May 03, 2009

Forgiveness

So the façade comes tumbling down, leaving me exposed to the open wounds, I so blissfully accused you of. The scars I paraded around on your name have begun to change. They no longer hold you responsible. The silence that ran parallel inside of me screams my own, as it hits the walls of my heart over and over again, leaving my body paralyzed with fear.


So now, layer by layer, the truth falls to the ground. I was so numb to my own existence that when I took you in, I felt my pain flow inside of you. I, deliriously, deceived myself for it to be yours. Your love became the drug in my veins that slowly dissipated throughout my body until I was rendered crippled without you. I, so, conveniently loved to point fingers at how you made me feel so broken. Yet, I found myself unable to let you go. Your voice made my body sing with pleasure. It made me dance to the songs that were unsung. The more you etched yourself inside of me, the more I felt alive. Until I completely forgot myself, and you became the reason I lived.


In our fervor of passion, we lost all sense of identities, pulling each other down in the quiet drone of our madness until each faded away into nonexistence.


So now that you’re gone and I’m alone, night after night, my body throws out the poison I fed myself. The tears go rumbling down, seeking forgiveness from my soul, for the atrocities I submit it to. You were merely an actor for the script I wrote. Finally, the time has come to take a bow and let the curtain fall close. You are free to walk where you will…and so am I…

Call me love

I'm throwing up my hands.  I don't want this war Don't let me leave Stop.  I'm throwing up my hands.  Waving the White Flag ...