Happy Anniversary

This is a celebration,

Of carefully weaving,
every intricate part of me,
Weighing pieces,
Discarding,
Then putting them together with love.
This is a celebration of all of me.

This is a witness,
Of all the unfurling beauty
That lies ahead
And what has been
Screaming out my name
Beckoning me to lose my breath.
Show up, let the world be a witness
That I was here,
That I was alive. 

This is a declaration,
When I said I couldn't live without you,
It was true.
I didn't live.
I thrived. 
I woke up.
Unafraid. Unapologetic.

Thank you for letting me slip through your hands.
Darling, it was meant to be this glorious.

If life came with instructions

Lying in the darkness
Listening to the falling rain
Most days the weight of these bones
Feels too heavy to carry
Shallow breathing
Stop
Deep breath
They're not coming back
The walls move in
You.must.stay
There is nowhere left to go
Too trapped to move
Close your eyes
Reach for a memory
His fading warmth and tenderness
Feel
Let it go
Take down the door
Come back
Please
Maybe they would?
Stop waiting
Days go by
Hold on
The rain is still falling
No, they wont
Say goodbye
Everything that I want has already left
Put the door back
Scream to the sky
Maybe this time heavens will listen
Draw the curtains in
Say goodnight
Tomorrow is a new day.
Repeat.

Dead ends

چھوڑ دئے ہیں تکنے وہ راستے
جن کے ہر مور پر بانڈ دروازے ملے

The yearning for wanting something is slowly leaving, 
Turning away from these dead end corners,

Peering back at me,
There is a calling from somewhere far away to stay, 
But these ears have deafened to unfamiliar sounds, 
Lips moving but my voice lost, 
Salty air around stinging my eyes,
The ugly aftertaste of my bitter life, 
Let me find the way back from here, 
To a place where the wind blows, 
To a ground I can rest my head gently, 
Dreams spilling freely out of me, 
Searching high and low with nowhere to go, 
The currents of this river pulling me, 
Where I come face to face with my destiny, 
Just another accept-embrace-flow, 
Aren't there any other options, 
Than these soft tired sighs?
Made for beckoning me to live this life. 

Point out the signs,

Read my future out loud, 

Tell me when everything is finally over, 

There is serenity,  

And some sort of happiness for me. 

Where do we go from here?

Its been years since our departure,

But not a single day has gone by without you,

My love for you would have engulfed the oceans,

Yet still thirst for more,

My body still burns with the grief of your absence, 

Let it end now my head keeps screaming,

But the tears don't stop falling,

Language seems jumbled up,

Words meaningless ever since you've gone away,

I miss you never seems to fill this gaping hole I have left inside,

What does it matter now?

You chose the path to our destiny where we would walk parallel lives,

Never intersecting again,

Me bearing the scars of your battles,

Let me hold onto your fading face in a sea full of strangers,

To the only comfort that someone once held my body,

and knew every bit of my soul,

We all want a life well lived, they tell me.

But all I ever wanted was you.

Lifting my head to the sky begging for a miracle,

Just this once,

Just this once.

But life takes and it takes and it takes, 

With no intention of giving back,

So what if I let it take what's left of me too?

There is no one around to pick the pieces anyways,

We all carry losses, 

I heard, that the time stands still 

when the body is shocked,

But all I ever did was kept being dragged along the fabric of existence,

No way of getting off,

Hands pushing me forward,

I still want to be here where we were,

Alone this time,

Knowing there is nothing left in the rubble, 

But tell me where do I go from here?

When the only home I had is gone,

A little bird without the wings to fly,

So let me stay here, 

Until this, too, is taken away and gone.

Reflections in the light.

Something about the world always eludes me,
Empty, sad eyes,
Forced laughter,
Pretending,
Pretending with their pretty masks,
Forever playing mind games,
Hiding,
Complete strangers staring back at me.

I pull your memory near,
It keeps me warm,
when life tries to steal me away.
I hold onto the laughter in your eyes,
The beating of your heart against my hand.

I think of you,
when this Earth tilts out of its axis,
Blurring everything that I see.
You were the only feeling I knew so well,
Only place I ever called home.
With you gone,
I'm left behind searching under the bruised sky.
The million what ifs running through my head.
What could have been?
What should have been?

But by now, I am a tired woman,
Sick to the bone,
With of all these revolting,
so-called fantasies of love they tell me,
Of the ones you taught me,
Drifting in and out of consciousness,
I lay everything down to rest.

All the ways we never were,
All the ways we never are,
All the way in which we will never be.
All the ways,
These hands would never again trade the jack for the queen.
My breath being mine.
My name being me.
This new space I found in me to breathe.
This new grown freedom that runs through every inch of me.
This light that flows through me.
This beautiful reflection that I see.
Never again, will I trade anything for me. 

The Supernova

You move me in a way,

The waves move the sand,

Quietly and gently touching,

The shores of my existence,

Before receding.

The silence around us,

Carrying the weight of unsaid words,

Can you feel it too?

Or is it just me who is here?

Wanting to take down these barriers that separate us.

But these walls feel old,

This path already worn out,

I've been here before,

Never with you,

Nor so fervently,

But I know, 

I know this unwinding road so well,

The ends to where it would lead.

But for this time here,

I want you to be my little eternity.

So tell me what is your worth.

Tell me if I could fall in the oceans of your eyes?

If your hands would brush away,
these invisible wounds on my skin?
If I could bury my pain in you for sometime?

If your kisses would reach places on my body,
that hide away from the sunlight?

Tell me that we could drop down our defenses,

The fears that makes us who we are,
The voices that keep us both in the dark,

Shed these layers,
And be naked with each other for awhile.

I want to see the depth of your soul.
Savour the beauty it brings.

Before I feel the heat of your passion,
Move it through me,

Let it touch me,

Heightening all of my senses,

Make me come alive as you surround me.

So pull me down in your gravity,
Let our bodies collide,
Touch my core,
Right before you let me go.
Let me go.

Just as when the stars reach the end of their life,
Even in their violent collapse,
They emit the most beautiful spectrum of light.  

After the storm

The storms in my life came and left,
I stood at the edge,
Waiting for the remnants
To carry me away.

Yet, I stood there.
So quietly.
Grounded with every little ounce of me.

Reaching,
Grasping,
Still left with searching hands.
"They don't stay", you said
"What does?", I asked
"Nothing. Nothing really stays.
Let it pass", you smiled. 
"Take me from here please,
I need something that warms my soul"
"But there is nowhere to go"

So I stayed,
Amidst the changing skies,
I stayed,
I am still here
While you are long gone.
I am still here.
Raging and taming the storms
when they come.
With every little ounce of me.
Let them come.
I am still here.

Name it (trigger warning)

I buried that hollow woman you left,
Crying on those white hotel sheets eons ago,
I picked her naked body and vacant eyes,
Then dropped her off to her final resting place.
Under the grey Berlin sky,
I had called out her funeral,
With no one there next to me.

For the longest time, I stood on the side,
Watch her break herself,
Coming over and over to you,
For the decaying morsels of your love.
Her hands reeking of the lies you fed her.
I often wondered when she'd tire herself out,
Conjuring up a storm, you didn't want to be in.

"Oh but I love you so", you'd say,

So tell me how was this love?
This pulling me down in the dark cold cold water?
Muffling my screams with your absence,
Until my lungs choked themselves out of air.
In the emptiness, there I laid,
Dying a thousand silent deaths,
As you stayed awake by my side.
Listening to the tears roll down, dry.
Unconcerned. Without a care.

"I want you to be only mine", you'd tell me.
Used my body only when you lusted,
Until it was cold with the word, "slut",
I learnt not to look you in the eye,
"I love you too" slowly became paralyzed,
Only your body's rhythm moving me.
Put it in. Take it out.
Put it in. Take it out.
Push. Push. Pull away.
Simple mechanics.

Now you're gone,
Help me find the definition,
For this new warm pulsating I feel,
Fantasizing his hands between my legs.
I want you to name it.
How his eyes have held me better than you did,
Made me slither in more pleasure,
Than your hands ever gave.

But he is not mine nor were you.
Ever to begin with.

I know no matter,
How much I crave his lips against mine,
I can't wash myself off of you.
Your apathy to me.
He can't fill something you broke.
Only I will.

Oh, but how much I tried to engrave you in my bones,
Make you somehow fit so you wouldn't leave,
But broken shards, cut really deep,
Bled me dry,
Until there was nothing left,
Except the outline of the person that used to be.

So name it.

The pushing against the wall,
With your breath in my face,
My hands held down,
You spitting out poisonous words.

"But I love you", you'd say.

So I buried her, too, today,
The little girl who came out once with you to play,
The one who held out her arms,
To be held in an embrace.
"Please", she said.
"Please, won't you stay?"
"Please, I really want to play"
But you threw her across the room,
And turned your back to walk away.

"Don't tell me your stories", you'd say as you'd go.
So these lips fell silent long long ago.
The last time I heard them speak,
Was on that day your name died for me.

So name it. Say it now!

"It isn't bleeding", you screamed,
as I raised my trembling arms,
Covering to protect my face.
"Bitch"... isn't that what you'd constantly call me?
I wonder if you still feel the same.

So name it.

My cries, begging you not to touch me.
My cries, begging you to touch me.
Touch me.
Just fuck me.
So that I know I exist.
Scratch this desperation off of me,
So I can finally rid myself of me.
Let's really bury this woman deep.
Choke her,
Hold her down,
Until she can no longer breathe.
Let her die.
Let her bleed.

But make sure you call her by her name.
She has a name.

So, now, let me say it,
The way my name falls gently off his lips.

So let me say it,
That there's a safe place out there for me.

I want to say it,
These two arms are the ones that welcome me.
That there is so much more to my story.
More than the split images and broken pieces.
There's grace and repentance for me.
I will kiss myself as forgiveness,
Hold myself like hope.
Love myself as joy.
I will forever be enough for me.

For once, I will say it.