Name it (trigger warning)

I buried that hollow woman you left,
Crying on those white hotel sheets eons ago,
I picked her naked body and vacant eyes,
Then dropped her off to her final resting place.
Under the grey Berlin sky,
I had called out her funeral,
With no one there next to me.

For the longest time, I stood on the side,
Watch her break herself,
Coming over and over to you,
For the decaying morsels of your love.
Her hands reeking of the lies you fed her.
I often wondered when she'd tire herself out,
Conjuring up a storm, you didn't want to be in.

"Oh but I love you so", you'd say,

So tell me how was this love?
This pulling me down in the dark cold cold water?
Muffling my screams with your absence,
Until my lungs choked themselves out of air.
In the emptiness, there I laid,
Dying a thousand silent deaths,
As you stayed awake by my side.
Listening to the tears roll down, dry.
Unconcerned. Without a care.

"I want you to be only mine", you'd tell me.
Used my body only when you lusted,
Until it was cold with the word, "slut",
I learnt not to look you in the eye,
"I love you too" slowly became paralyzed,
Only your body's rhythm moving me.
Put it in. Take it out.
Put it in. Take it out.
Push. Push. Pull away.
Simple mechanics.

Now you're gone,
Help me find the definition,
For this new warm pulsating I feel,
Fantasizing his hands between my legs.
I want you to name it.
How his eyes have held me better than you did,
Made me slither in more pleasure,
Than your hands ever gave.

But he is not mine nor were you.
Ever to begin with.

I know no matter,
How much I crave his lips against mine,
I can't wash myself off of you.
Your apathy to me.
He can't fill something you broke.
Only I will.

Oh, but how much I tried to engrave you in my bones,
Make you somehow fit so you wouldn't leave,
But broken shards, cut really deep,
Bled me dry,
Until there was nothing left,
Except the outline of the person that used to be.

So name it.

The pushing against the wall,
With your breath in my face,
My hands held down,
You spitting out poisonous words.

"But I love you", you'd say.

So I buried her, too, today,
The little girl who came out once with you to play,
The one who held out her arms,
To be held in an embrace.
"Please", she said.
"Please, won't you stay?"
"Please, I really want to play"
But you threw her across the room,
And turned your back to walk away.

"Don't tell me your stories", you'd say as you'd go.
So these lips fell silent long long ago.
The last time I heard them speak,
Was on that day your name died for me.

So name it. Say it now!

"It isn't bleeding", you screamed,
as I raised my trembling arms,
Covering to protect my face.
"Bitch"... isn't that what you'd constantly call me?
I wonder if you still feel the same.

So name it.

My cries, begging you not to touch me.
My cries, begging you to touch me.
Touch me.
Just fuck me.
So that I know I exist.
Scratch this desperation off of me,
So I can finally rid myself of me.
Let's really bury this woman deep.
Choke her,
Hold her down,
Until she can no longer breathe.
Let her die.
Let her bleed.

But make sure you call her by her name.
She has a name.

So, now, let me say it,
The way my name falls gently off his lips.

So let me say it,
That there's a safe place out there for me.

I want to say it,
These two arms are the ones that welcome me.
That there is so much more to my story.
More than the split images and broken pieces.
There's grace and repentance for me.
I will kiss myself as forgiveness,
Hold myself like hope.
Love myself as joy.
I will forever be enough for me.

For once, I will say it.