I wanted to write you something before my memory entirely fails me and you become a dream.
Even though my life without you had began long time back. I carry you secretly inside my heart. Hidden and protected from all, including myself, like a butterfly in a cocoon. Sadly, you’ll never come out to grow wings and take flight in my world. You are destined to die, as silently as you were conceived.
I do wish I could just take a peek in your life. Look at your smiling face and feel the radiance of your warmth seep through my skin. Look at you and know that you understand why suddenly I chose another road to walk on, away from you. Look at you and know that you have forgiven and see me the same. Just would look at you from some corner of your life, imagine holding you close to my heart and say goodbye, all over again.. live through the hurt of losing you again, just so I can relive that one precious moment of having you in my arms and smile, after you have gone from my sight, gone from my days, gone from my life, gone from my memory.
But I dare not step in the waters where you tread, fearing it would create a ripple in the calm then return once more to stillness. Fade back into nothing. Exactly, what will become of the time that is now. But somehow, since it is goodbye, it seems better this way, leaving everything unsaid and sealing our hearts for no one else to see what really existed.
Maybe words spoken, after years, would be powerful enough to draw up an illusion of what was left behind. Perhaps, never completely forgotten, lingering somewhere at the back of our heads, wondering, “What could have been?”, “How it should have been?”
Maybe, you still might have enough spark in your heart, not to have any regrets and smile at the thought of me with a sweetness in your mouth. Or possibly you might wake up one day and never have had felt my presence missing. Could you have already forgotten me?
Either way, what does it matter? I’ll never see you again. I’ll never hear your voice or your laughter. I’ll never even spring for my phone when it rings, quietly hoping its you. I know our lives have taken turns and can never go back. We craved out our paths, carefully, no matter how, unfortunately, it tore us apart. You were never mine to begin with.
Someone else will have the grace to look in your eyes. To touch your celestial skin. To feel your soul merge in theirs. To burn in the heat of your passion. To spend their days silently lying besides you; with you. I already retreated from the grounds where battles raged in the name of love and lust with you. There was no bugle sounded, when it all came to an end. No knights riding white horses came to save the day. Just the bitter reality that I lost you so suddenly, so quietly, so easily. I would have liked to have held on to you a little longer, a little tighter, when we waited for the bus, if I knew how short our time really was.
But alas, I have nothing left of you, except a few images of the person you embodied to be and the reminiscence of the days we wiled away in each other’s company. The places where you stepped, that once blared out your name, have hushed, as time created spaces between us. They no longer seek you, having turned themselves into a sanctuary for my solitude.
In my consciousness, my mind was intoxicated with guilt it drew from the bottled up emotions, you tried to hide inside. I felt like a stranger in a place I knew so well. And I couldn’t come in terms with it. A million questions raced through my head when I tried to reach out to you. I felt you turn away and did not want me to see you in your struggles. I could no longer hold on, so I let go. I picked up the integrity I had left and I moved on. Your happiness meant everything to me. And now, I refuse to look back because I’m scared to know how much I really loved you.
Needless to say, my pen moves at the thought of you when my defenses are down. When the world around me is in their peaceful slumber and I lay awake, thinking of you. The way you held my hand in yours. The way your face lighted up on seeing me. The way you looked in my eyes knowing it was wrong for us to be together.
Your love blew in my life like the spring breeze carrying the sweet fragrance of the blossoming flowers. And I felt you crawl under to the very essence of me. For awhile I squirmed at how you made me feel alive. Then I began to bask in the glory of having felt you. Till one day, you finally passed through me unto other lands where you really belonged. Your fragrance is still clinging stubbornly to me, slowly dissipating, until my body will engulf it whole and you will be lost.
This is how I choose to finally say farewell even though you are already gone.
