Winter's solace

Hand me a sunshine of solace
Im stitching the hems of my soul
Looking for places
Still nowhere to go
Simmer me in silence
With the sound of my heart beat in my ears
Barren landscapes
Something always refused to grow
Searching for a mirror
In faces that had no eyes to see
Tracing fingertips
In hands that can not hold
The world keeps on spinning
Erase my existence
I was never really here
Run up to me 
To tell me you'd want me to stay
Long after I've faded from your memory
The butterfly's wings on the wintry wind
The color in the dull gray sky
Sometimes this is only what it means to be alive.

Who we are

Someone said, "You're a really tough woman". I held back from saying, "I wish I didn't have to be".

Tenderness and love. Give me tenderness and a place to rest my head. When the lights turn dim, a hand to hold. The warmth that I don't have to do it all alone. I have all the magical solutions to fix the punctures in my deflated world.

My sister telling me, "You had it the hardest".

Recalling my ex kissing my forehead saying, "you were the scared little girl who everyone failed to protect so you turned into the woman no one or nothing can break. I'm sorry, I hurt you". I've built a throne made up of all the sorries I was not there. Carefully collecting them from every corner. Then burnt down my kingdom.

Fear. I have gulped it down all my life. Look straight at it in the eye. Everyone building rainbows to stop it from creeping in me. If only I was allowed to be scared. With safe hands to shelter me. Who we are and who we become. In the absence of mercy

If I can take one more hit, I can take my life

If I can take one more hit, I will take my life

Take it, take it

Swallow it down

Shove it down

These bruises will heal,

Until the body refuses.

Purge out all of the bullshit and their philosophies. We are still standing as a sign of some of sort twisted victory.

Who we are and oh god what have we become.I am not a lover, I am not a fighter. I am only a human. Heart thrown to the ground. Smashed to the floor. Here's a piece left of me. Take it. Pick it if you want. I have no use or need for it now.

But, in my silence, that little girl peers at me

When I look at her, she smiles and runs to my arms. Her first home finally of safety.

Who we are…and..in the process..who we become.

Daddy's little girl

Daddy's little girl. 
The country's whore,
Carrying the cold winter,
Like a happy rainbow. 
My soft slow gentle hands, 
Cutting through the heat of the shame,
Lifting these veils of pretense, 
Letting the heaviness fall under its own weight,
Looking in each other's eyes, 
The rage you burnt is the fuel in me,
My mother birthed me on the day of Bloodshed and victories,
Thy Kingdom shall come,
But the wars that we waged were unholy, 
Flinching at the sound of each other's voice. Daddy's most favorite. 
I told you, I'm you 
But you couldn't even look at me. 
Vehemently shaking your head, 
God have mercy if that'd be true
But I still have your broken heart and mine,
Carrying longings for love,
Sheltering strangers to feel a piece of home
I told you, I'm you 
Too hurt and full of pride to give in,
Held up our heads so strong,
Unbreakable,
Until we both broke one another.
The hate you got, you gifted to me.
Open wounds passed on wakefully
I hope you're finally at peace. 
And when the final day arrives, 
when all our sins are forgiven 
Maybe for the first time, 
We can stand heart to heart
And forgive each other
Forgive each other for not being enough
Then you can say
Daddy's little girl 
Oh how you are proud of me
Maybe then it would finally be heaven for me.

Light it up

I told you when I was leaving,
I'll find someone better than you to love me,
But even after years, 

Never found anyone who is curious about me,

Maybe I should set myself on fire
For someone to have mercy on my light
But you know I have been invisible all my life
The heart can burn and burn
Until it turns cold as ice
I take refuge in knowing
You used to see me and smile
Once upon a time,
You knew the flickering of my eyes
The real feelings behind my fake smiles
Squeezing my hand so I wouldn't go off alone
Now alone is the only place once again I know
So I lean against walls
Pretending it's your chest
Trying to recreate the only safety I ever felt
But it feels as hard as your love
Just standing there, 

Never getting through
But you know,

I've also always been an outsider too
Breaking off pieces of me for crumbles of love from everyone until I couldn't 
You too hurt me in ways in which love shouldn't
I wake up breathless and scared in the middle of the night 
On days that get heavy,
Despite everything still pretend you're by my side,
I know, I know
This is a world where anything can be
Except you and me,
I never want you near me,
And I think it's time to leave
Still there's no place to go
Nowhere I need to be,
But it's time to leave.
Pack my bags and find a home for me.

Strangers

I wonder if you think of me as much as I think of you,
What would you remember from my face? 
I can still outline the crinkles of your eyes,

The corner of your mouth when you smiled,
What would we say if we ever ran into each other? 
Now that we're strangers. 
We've been years apart,
You are a stranger. 
But you were the only person who ever felt like home to me,
Now, what does that make me? 
I would show you how I lost the color from my hair on the eve of our goodbye,
I lost the color from my world too,
I still see emptiness more than light. 
I also lost my voice, 
Too many days where I drowned the desperation inside of me,
Too many days alone by the sea thinking,

What would you say if you ever saw me that way?
I would show you the wrinkles underneath my eyes,
The tiredness only you held back for me.
I'm losing things again. 
Time, space, objects,
Me,
Orienting my face towards the sun, 
Repeating the Mantra into life like my breath, 
I'm here. I'm here. 
Even if you remain gone. 

The heart that burns

My world could use feeling lighter,
With the sound of your voice, 
Over the crashing of the waves, 
The quiet places, 
where I thought I had everything I needed, 
The grand exaggerated gestures, 
And dreams even bigger, 
Your soft heart is the most beautiful part of you,
You always told me wiping the tears from my eyes, 
When I thought the world had gone mad,
Gone too cold,
Now, I lit that heart to keep the warmth,
It burns,
A dull flame,
Sometimes, the only light that I see,
Don't go cold, I tell it,

You are the reason to,
Endure,
Feel, 
Touch,
Love,
Awaken,
Even when everything you held precious is gone.

Baptize me

This heart has been burnt in life's heat,
I walk alone with these endless miles beneath my feet.
I keep sending out SOS signs for blind eyes to see,
My faithlessness reeking off too long,
So douse me with holy water and baptize me,
Give me a holy mouth, 
To pour all my unforgivable sins in,
Build me a temptation that craves me,
Lay me down with reckless hands, 
Softness is a stranger,
Her address unknown to me,
This, here, is a ghost town,
There's nothing left to see,
Only dead memories live inside of me.
The last of my dreams have gone to sleep,
It's been too long, I'm just running on empty,
It's been too long, I'm just running on empty,
Maybe I am a thing that grows in silence
And keeps passing every misery. 

I was loved

Do dates really matter,
Once time has flown away?
I still measure my days by the presence and absence of you showing up in my mind,
I don't know how to count days to never seeing you again,
I still wake up wanting to tell you things,
Run to you squealing,
"Look at what I did, you would be so proud"
I, finally, learnt to parallel park,
I heard you giggle in my head that day.
After you, silence only stretches across my tongue as the sea to the horizon,
I don't hear my voice so much anymore. 
Your absence showed me how much of my life I'll walk alone. 
Stopped reaching out for hands to hold,
I'm no longer afraid of what may come,
I heard someone say love is a rare phenomenon. 
So I let that part of you go
That dug nails and teeth in my soul 
And ripped pieces of it out. 
I only keep that part of you that loved me.
And even as time continues to keep us apart, 
There will always be a part of us in me,
The girl who ran to you with glistening eyes,
And you, the boy who held out his arms, kissed her forehead and loved her back.
It was love. 
I was loved. 

Lachesism

 Wrap me up in love. 
Tell me that I am beautiful, 
That I am finally good enough. 
This weight,
This intensity of me, 
Too heavy for you to carry
That you tried to fold in, 
Take your time, this time, to bend me. 
Take your time to break me. 
Tell me again how much you love me. 
Say it over and over again,
I need hollow words to put my hopes in. 
Somewhere, I lost my heart along with my innocence,
After that, even my mind has lost its rhythm and has never been quite the same. 
It's funny how one person can leave behind so much empty space, 
And despite so many around, 
No one can ever fill that place. 
I'm still looking for somewhere to breathe, 
No one has ever spoken to my soul the way you did,
They only come rushing in to fix or change me. 
I'm still walking alone in the darkness in every dream.
On days the world feel cold,
I snuggle with the memories of when you sometimes loved me,
I wrap myself with love,
Of what I imagine it to be,
Tell myself that I'm beautiful 
That I am good enough. 
Love parts of me that you couldn't,
That you wouldn't. 
No matter who or what has left,
Of everything dead and gone,
I'm still a home to myself.

Forgetfulness

I miss you never rolled off my tongue, 
But you have become my every poem.
Of everything gone,
You somehow still sleep inside of me, 
I close my eyes and still call you my home,
Even if it is lost.
I still have dreams of you holding my hand 
against your chest, 
Your heart beating against me, 
Even in my forgetfulness, 
You continue to stay. 
I try to call you a mistake. 
That's what everyone says. 
Head over heart. 
But yours is the only face I see,
When the world's walls come 
crashing in on me. 
No hands reaching in.
This is not a heartbreak.
Yet, you are the kind of sadness 
that never really goes away. 
No, this is not a heartbreak. 
But something in my heart forever remains empty.

Time Travels

There are things no one talks about, 
Keep them silenced,
Keep them small,
Wrap that pain in a nice colorful gift box,
Make it happy, 
Make it pretty 
Honorary medals as praises are given, 
To the brave, 
To the bold,
To the strong,
The world simply loves a hero. 
Don't spill your heartache there, 
Cover that weariness over your bones,
There's no one here. 
Trade in your strength for disarray, 
Quiet now love. 
Come to me. 
In the places where nothing ever grows,
On the roads, that lead to nowhere, 
In the dearth of joy,
Where your hands are empty. 
Quiet down,
Slide into those shadows, 
In the absence of warmth,
The world forever looks for the light,
But,
Fear not,
Is it here that you will become.
x

Even memories die

I read, all our memories die with us,
They're only alive, 
With the people we shared them with,
Yet, ours died way before either one of us did,
I seem to be the only one left, 
Cupping them gently in my hands,
I still remember your eyes,
When you said I was beautiful,
Running to tell you, "what's up"
My hands moving faster than my mouth,
Your nods, 
Even when you didn't understand.
I, now, in your absence
Still sit next to you within the hospital walls,
Remembering all those times you held my hand,
Stroked my hair, 
Until all the blood was out.
I see you standing behind the window,
Refusing to sit,
Until the machines stopped whirring.
Telling me, we will get through this.
I am. 
Do you know,
You were the only one in the whole world
With whom I felt completely like me?
Ran incredibly wildly free.
Silence has comfortably settled inside me,
Ever since the day you really went away,
Seems like I have nothing left to say,
But the lakes and the trees still talk to me.
Do you know of all the wondrous things I have seen,
Of the crazy adventures and the beauty?
Do you know my entire world will completely die with me?
Do you know, 
Letting you go is still the hardest thing I've ever done?
Loving you made me so so brave,
But losing you has made me fearless,
The hand of fate has already struck,
What more is there left to lose?
Except only me, this time.
I keep my door open now,
For those who wish to leave.
Let them come.
Let them go.
There's no consolation they can offer me. 
I always pray your side of the world is filled with grace,
Like mine, has been filled with repentance, tranquility, mercy and a whole lot of love,
All the things that make it gentle, 
As I'm slowly starting to forget your voice and face 
"But even if I could go back, I wouldn't belong" - C.Z

But it isn't love

Tell people you love them 

Before it's too late, 

But a bucket full of water 

Will not douse a house burning down.

Fleeting time is not a friend, nor a savior. 

No amount of pulling the clock's hands apart,

Will ever stop it from running out. 

Galaxies are forever collapsing,

The death of stars, inevitable.

How could I have ever thought we stood a chance.

Our goodbye was fated in our first hello.

Yet, I have learnt to love you in transitions. 

The laughter in your eyes as you rode by my side, 

The cold wind on our cheeks 

under the fiery New Year's sky. 

The subtle soft sighs.

You were a feeling I did not know could exist

and neither was I ever prepared for

I was always torn between wanting you to stay,

And somehow hoping you would leave.

Now, you are neither here, nor have you gone away.

I don't know what it is that you do to me, 

All my wounds come up to breathe,

But more than that,

You soften my rough edges. 

Pull back the curtain of darkness 

So that I can soak up the light. 

Put my fears to sleep.

Let me rest my worries. 

Every world that I had ever built 

Came stumbling down 

Under the intensity of your gaze. 

I was always seconds away from you owning me.

With all the space between us,

You still touched me.

You still changed me.

But you have never said that you loved me. 

Neither do I know for it to be true.

But I know this to be true. 

In a world where people's hearts get broken, 

Your existence somehow had a way to mend mine.

The Here And Now

 I try to be here. 

Face towards the Sun,

Letting all the shadows fall behind me. 

I try to ignore the grief,

Caught in the back of my throat,

The heaviness pressing down steadily on my shoulders.

I ignore the empty spaces. 

There's so much here,

Yet it's always little out of reach. 

Always eluding,

Never really mine.

Still there's so much warmth here. 

In the same way how my body was once held,

The way I traced faces,

Running my fingertips up and down, 

Like I found the map to some lost treasures.

There's still so much grace here. 

The way mother Earth holds beauty within her heart,

The way she holds me.

I try to fill light in those spaces, 

Letting everything pass through my fingers like the wind. 

They are not mine.

I try to ignore the losses,

Because I know love is here, 

Because I know love is here,

Because I know love is here,

And I carry all of it.

Love's definitions

I tried counting the miles between us today,
the places we had been,
but I realized the footprints were gone,
And the scenery anew. 
I couldn't recall your face, 
Your fading smile,
or the sound of your voice,
Even love feels different now, 
Like kind eyes, soft smiles and gentle touch,
Snuggles on a wintry night. 
Endless laughter. Affirmations, I'm here.
That I'm no longer a visitor but actually belong.
Tears. Only this time of happiness. 
Coming up for air after holding my breath till I was blue,
And being able to breathe. Really breathe.
Like I can feel the sun on my skin,
My cold and empty heart finally opening again 
from the warmth.
Even you feel different now. 
Like the weariness after a very hard and long journey, 
The bruises left behind from holding your fist too long,
Like the departure once the plane lifts into the air, 
Like it's finally gone, 
And that we are finally over.

Happy Anniversary

This is a celebration,

Of carefully weaving,
every intricate part of me,
Weighing pieces,
Discarding,
Then putting them together with love.
This is a celebration of all of me.

This is a witness,
Of all the unfurling beauty
That lies ahead
And what has been
Screaming out my name
Beckoning me to lose my breath.
Show up, let the world be a witness
That I was here,
That I was alive. 

This is a declaration,
When I said I couldn't live without you,
It was true.
I didn't live.
I thrived. 
I woke up.
Unafraid. Unapologetic.

Thank you for letting me slip through your hands.
Darling, it was meant to be this glorious.

If life came with instructions

Lying in the darkness
Listening to the falling rain
Most days the weight of these bones
Feels too heavy to carry
Shallow breathing
Stop
Deep breath
They're not coming back
The walls move in
You.must.stay
There is nowhere left to go
Too trapped to move
Close your eyes
Reach for a memory
His fading warmth and tenderness
Feel
Let it go
Take down the door
Come back
Please
Maybe they would?
Stop waiting
Days go by
Hold on
The rain is still falling
No, they wont
Say goodbye
Everything that I want has already left
Put the door back
Scream to the sky
Maybe this time heavens will listen
Draw the curtains in
Say goodnight
Tomorrow is a new day.
Repeat.

Dead ends

چھوڑ دئے ہیں تکنے وہ راستے
جن کے ہر مور پر بانڈ دروازے ملے

The yearning for wanting something is slowly leaving, 
Turning away from these dead end corners,

Peering back at me,
There is a calling from somewhere far away to stay, 
But these ears have deafened to unfamiliar sounds, 
Lips moving but my voice lost, 
Salty air around stinging my eyes,
The ugly aftertaste of my bitter life, 
Let me find the way back from here, 
To a place where the wind blows, 
To a ground I can rest my head gently, 
Dreams spilling freely out of me, 
Searching high and low with nowhere to go, 
The currents of this river pulling me, 
Where I come face to face with my destiny, 
Just another accept-embrace-flow, 
Aren't there any other options, 
Than these soft tired sighs?
Made for beckoning me to live this life. 

Point out the signs,

Read my future out loud, 

Tell me when everything is finally over, 

There is serenity,  

And some sort of happiness for me. 

Where do we go from here?

Its been years since our departure,

But not a single day has gone by without you,

My love for you would have engulfed the oceans,

Yet still thirst for more,

My body still burns with the grief of your absence, 

Let it end now my head keeps screaming,

But the tears don't stop falling,

Language seems jumbled up,

Words meaningless ever since you've gone away,

I miss you never seems to fill this gaping hole I have left inside,

What does it matter now?

You chose the path to our destiny where we would walk parallel lives,

Never intersecting again,

Me bearing the scars of your battles,

Let me hold onto your fading face in a sea full of strangers,

To the only comfort that someone once held my body,

and knew every bit of my soul,

We all want a life well lived, they tell me.

But all I ever wanted was you.

Lifting my head to the sky begging for a miracle,

Just this once,

Just this once.

But life takes and it takes and it takes, 

With no intention of giving back,

So what if I let it take what's left of me too?

There is no one around to pick the pieces anyways,

We all carry losses, 

I heard, that the time stands still 

when the body is shocked,

But all I ever did was kept being dragged along the fabric of existence,

No way of getting off,

Hands pushing me forward,

I still want to be here where we were,

Alone this time,

Knowing there is nothing left in the rubble, 

But tell me where do I go from here?

When the only home I had is gone,

A little bird without the wings to fly,

So let me stay here, 

Until this, too, is taken away and gone.

Reflections in the light.

Something about the world always eludes me,
Empty, sad eyes,
Forced laughter,
Pretending,
Pretending with their pretty masks,
Forever playing mind games,
Hiding,
Complete strangers staring back at me.

I pull your memory near,
It keeps me warm,
when life tries to steal me away.
I hold onto the laughter in your eyes,
The beating of your heart against my hand.

I think of you,
when this Earth tilts out of its axis,
Blurring everything that I see.
You were the only feeling I knew so well,
Only place I ever called home.
With you gone,
I'm left behind searching under the bruised sky.
The million what ifs running through my head.
What could have been?
What should have been?

But by now, I am a tired woman,
Sick to the bone,
With of all these revolting,
so-called fantasies of love they tell me,
Of the ones you taught me,
Drifting in and out of consciousness,
I lay everything down to rest.

All the ways we never were,
All the ways we never are,
All the way in which we will never be.
All the ways,
These hands would never again trade the jack for the queen.
My breath being mine.
My name being me.
This new space I found in me to breathe.
This new grown freedom that runs through every inch of me.
This light that flows through me.
This beautiful reflection that I see.
Never again, will I trade anything for me.