The Here And Now

 I try to be here. 

Face towards the Sun,

Letting all the shadows fall behind me. 

I try to ignore the grief,

Caught in the back of my throat,

The heaviness pressing down steadily on my shoulders.

I ignore the empty spaces. 

There's so much here,

Yet it's always little out of reach. 

Always eluding,

Never really mine.

Still there's so much warmth here. 

In the same way how my body was once held,

The way I traced faces,

Running my fingertips up and down, 

Like I found the map to some lost treasures.

There's still so much grace here. 

The way mother Earth holds beauty within her heart,

The way she holds me.

I try to fill light in those spaces, 

Letting everything pass through my fingers like the wind. 

They are not mine.

I try to ignore the losses,

Because I know love is here, 

Because I know love is here,

Because I know love is here,

And I carry all of it.

Love's definitions

I tried counting the miles between us today,
the places we had been,
but I realized the footprints were gone,
And the scenery anew. 
I couldn't recall your face, 
Your fading smile,
or the sound of your voice,
Even love feels different now, 
Like kind eyes, soft smiles and gentle touch,
Snuggles on a wintry night. 
Endless laughter. Affirmations, I'm here.
That I'm no longer a visitor but actually belong.
Tears. Only this time of happiness. 
Coming up for air after holding my breath till I was blue,
And being able to breathe. Really breathe.
Like I can feel the sun on my skin,
My cold and empty heart finally opening again 
from the warmth.
Even you feel different now. 
Like the weariness after a very hard and long journey, 
The bruises left behind from holding your fist too long,
Like the departure once the plane lifts into the air, 
Like it's finally gone, 
And that we are finally over.

Happy Anniversary

This is a celebration,

Of carefully weaving,
every intricate part of me,
Weighing pieces,
Discarding,
Then putting them together with love.
This is a celebration of all of me.

This is a witness,
Of all the unfurling beauty
That lies ahead
And what has been
Screaming out my name
Beckoning me to lose my breath.
Show up, let the world be a witness
That I was here,
That I was alive. 

This is a declaration,
When I said I couldn't live without you,
It was true.
I didn't live.
I thrived. 
I woke up.
Unafraid. Unapologetic.

Thank you for letting me slip through your hands.
Darling, it was meant to be this glorious.

If life came with instructions

Lying in the darkness
Listening to the falling rain
Most days the weight of these bones
Feels too heavy to carry
Shallow breathing
Stop
Deep breath
They're not coming back
The walls move in
You.must.stay
There is nowhere left to go
Too trapped to move
Close your eyes
Reach for a memory
His fading warmth and tenderness
Feel
Let it go
Take down the door
Come back
Please
Maybe they would?
Stop waiting
Days go by
Hold on
The rain is still falling
No, they wont
Say goodbye
Everything that I want has already left
Put the door back
Scream to the sky
Maybe this time heavens will listen
Draw the curtains in
Say goodnight
Tomorrow is a new day.
Repeat.

Dead ends

چھوڑ دئے ہیں تکنے وہ راستے
جن کے ہر مور پر بانڈ دروازے ملے

The yearning for wanting something is slowly leaving, 
Turning away from these dead end corners,

Peering back at me,
There is a calling from somewhere far away to stay, 
But these ears have deafened to unfamiliar sounds, 
Lips moving but my voice lost, 
Salty air around stinging my eyes,
The ugly aftertaste of my bitter life, 
Let me find the way back from here, 
To a place where the wind blows, 
To a ground I can rest my head gently, 
Dreams spilling freely out of me, 
Searching high and low with nowhere to go, 
The currents of this river pulling me, 
Where I come face to face with my destiny, 
Just another accept-embrace-flow, 
Aren't there any other options, 
Than these soft tired sighs?
Made for beckoning me to live this life. 

Point out the signs,

Read my future out loud, 

Tell me when everything is finally over, 

There is serenity,  

And some sort of happiness for me. 

Where do we go from here?

Its been years since our departure,

But not a single day has gone by without you,

My love for you would have engulfed the oceans,

Yet still thirst for more,

My body still burns with the grief of your absence, 

Let it end now my head keeps screaming,

But the tears don't stop falling,

Language seems jumbled up,

Words meaningless ever since you've gone away,

I miss you never seems to fill this gaping hole I have left inside,

What does it matter now?

You chose the path to our destiny where we would walk parallel lives,

Never intersecting again,

Me bearing the scars of your battles,

Let me hold onto your fading face in a sea full of strangers,

To the only comfort that someone once held my body,

and knew every bit of my soul,

We all want a life well lived, they tell me.

But all I ever wanted was you.

Lifting my head to the sky begging for a miracle,

Just this once,

Just this once.

But life takes and it takes and it takes, 

With no intention of giving back,

So what if I let it take what's left of me too?

There is no one around to pick the pieces anyways,

We all carry losses, 

I heard, that the time stands still 

when the body is shocked,

But all I ever did was kept being dragged along the fabric of existence,

No way of getting off,

Hands pushing me forward,

I still want to be here where we were,

Alone this time,

Knowing there is nothing left in the rubble, 

But tell me where do I go from here?

When the only home I had is gone,

A little bird without the wings to fly,

So let me stay here, 

Until this, too, is taken away and gone.

Reflections in the light.

Something about the world always eludes me,
Empty, sad eyes,
Forced laughter,
Pretending,
Pretending with their pretty masks,
Forever playing mind games,
Hiding,
Complete strangers staring back at me.

I pull your memory near,
It keeps me warm,
when life tries to steal me away.
I hold onto the laughter in your eyes,
The beating of your heart against my hand.

I think of you,
when this Earth tilts out of its axis,
Blurring everything that I see.
You were the only feeling I knew so well,
Only place I ever called home.
With you gone,
I'm left behind searching under the bruised sky.
The million what ifs running through my head.
What could have been?
What should have been?

But by now, I am a tired woman,
Sick to the bone,
With of all these revolting,
so-called fantasies of love they tell me,
Of the ones you taught me,
Drifting in and out of consciousness,
I lay everything down to rest.

All the ways we never were,
All the ways we never are,
All the way in which we will never be.
All the ways,
These hands would never again trade the jack for the queen.
My breath being mine.
My name being me.
This new space I found in me to breathe.
This new grown freedom that runs through every inch of me.
This light that flows through me.
This beautiful reflection that I see.
Never again, will I trade anything for me. 

The Supernova

You move me in a way,

The waves move the sand,

Quietly and gently touching,

The shores of my existence,

Before receding.

The silence around us,

Carrying the weight of unsaid words,

Can you feel it too?

Or is it just me who is here?

Wanting to take down these barriers that separate us.

But these walls feel old,

This path already worn out,

I've been here before,

Never with you,

Nor so fervently,

But I know, 

I know this unwinding road so well,

The ends to where it would lead.

But for this time here,

I want you to be my little eternity.

So tell me what is your worth.

Tell me if I could fall in the oceans of your eyes?

If your hands would brush away,
these invisible wounds on my skin?
If I could bury my pain in you for sometime?

If your kisses would reach places on my body,
that hide away from the sunlight?

Tell me that we could drop down our defenses,

The fears that makes us who we are,
The voices that keep us both in the dark,

Shed these layers,
And be naked with each other for awhile.

I want to see the depth of your soul.
Savour the beauty it brings.

Before I feel the heat of your passion,
Move it through me,

Let it touch me,

Heightening all of my senses,

Make me come alive as you surround me.

So pull me down in your gravity,
Let our bodies collide,
Touch my core,
Right before you let me go.
Let me go.

Just as when the stars reach the end of their life,
Even in their violent collapse,
They emit the most beautiful spectrum of light.  

After the storm

The storms in my life came and left,
I stood at the edge,
Waiting for the remnants
To carry me away.

Yet, I stood there.
So quietly.
Grounded with every little ounce of me.

Reaching,
Grasping,
Still left with searching hands.
"They don't stay", you said
"What does?", I asked
"Nothing. Nothing really stays.
Let it pass", you smiled. 
"Take me from here please,
I need something that warms my soul"
"But there is nowhere to go"

So I stayed,
Amidst the changing skies,
I stayed,
I am still here
While you are long gone.
I am still here.
Raging and taming the storms
when they come.
With every little ounce of me.
Let them come.
I am still here.

Name it (trigger warning)

I buried that hollow woman you left,
Crying on those white hotel sheets eons ago,
I picked her naked body and vacant eyes,
Then dropped her off to her final resting place.
Under the grey Berlin sky,
I had called out her funeral,
With no one there next to me.

For the longest time, I stood on the side,
Watch her break herself,
Coming over and over to you,
For the decaying morsels of your love.
Her hands reeking of the lies you fed her.
I often wondered when she'd tire herself out,
Conjuring up a storm, you didn't want to be in.

"Oh but I love you so", you'd say,

So tell me how was this love?
This pulling me down in the dark cold cold water?
Muffling my screams with your absence,
Until my lungs choked themselves out of air.
In the emptiness, there I laid,
Dying a thousand silent deaths,
As you stayed awake by my side.
Listening to the tears roll down, dry.
Unconcerned. Without a care.

"I want you to be only mine", you'd tell me.
Used my body only when you lusted,
Until it was cold with the word, "slut",
I learnt not to look you in the eye,
"I love you too" slowly became paralyzed,
Only your body's rhythm moving me.
Put it in. Take it out.
Put it in. Take it out.
Push. Push. Pull away.
Simple mechanics.

Now you're gone,
Help me find the definition,
For this new warm pulsating I feel,
Fantasizing his hands between my legs.
I want you to name it.
How his eyes have held me better than you did,
Made me slither in more pleasure,
Than your hands ever gave.

But he is not mine nor were you.
Ever to begin with.

I know no matter,
How much I crave his lips against mine,
I can't wash myself off of you.
Your apathy to me.
He can't fill something you broke.
Only I will.

Oh, but how much I tried to engrave you in my bones,
Make you somehow fit so you wouldn't leave,
But broken shards, cut really deep,
Bled me dry,
Until there was nothing left,
Except the outline of the person that used to be.

So name it.

The pushing against the wall,
With your breath in my face,
My hands held down,
You spitting out poisonous words.

"But I love you", you'd say.

So I buried her, too, today,
The little girl who came out once with you to play,
The one who held out her arms,
To be held in an embrace.
"Please", she said.
"Please, won't you stay?"
"Please, I really want to play"
But you threw her across the room,
And turned your back to walk away.

"Don't tell me your stories", you'd say as you'd go.
So these lips fell silent long long ago.
The last time I heard them speak,
Was on that day your name died for me.

So name it. Say it now!

"It isn't bleeding", you screamed,
as I raised my trembling arms,
Covering to protect my face.
"Bitch"... isn't that what you'd constantly call me?
I wonder if you still feel the same.

So name it.

My cries, begging you not to touch me.
My cries, begging you to touch me.
Touch me.
Just fuck me.
So that I know I exist.
Scratch this desperation off of me,
So I can finally rid myself of me.
Let's really bury this woman deep.
Choke her,
Hold her down,
Until she can no longer breathe.
Let her die.
Let her bleed.

But make sure you call her by her name.
She has a name.

So, now, let me say it,
The way my name falls gently off his lips.

So let me say it,
That there's a safe place out there for me.

I want to say it,
These two arms are the ones that welcome me.
That there is so much more to my story.
More than the split images and broken pieces.
There's grace and repentance for me.
I will kiss myself as forgiveness,
Hold myself like hope.
Love myself as joy.
I will forever be enough for me.

For once, I will say it. 

You Belong To Me

Give up everything that you fear to lose,
Let go of all that you love,
You belong to me and your only place is in the stars,
How long will you take to see the rose,
It's beauty once it blooms,
And yet that too fades away,
But those petals the wind carries away, 
Spread their fragrance in lands it had never seen before
So kneel on this ground in your Lords name,
Until you dissolve this temple of you and free your soul,
Release your soul to the light of the day and the silence of the night,
You are the rose softly blooming,
You do not belong to you,
You belong to me

I Come To You

They tempted me with jewels, I did not stay,
They tempted me with beauty, I still turned away,
They tempted me with promises of paradise, I walked away,
It was only when I heard the sky take my name, did I run in all directions searching for the one I love,
I searched high and low in hope to touch his essence so that I could let his light shine in this temple of mine,
I was elevated, in utter ecstasy,
I began to hear his song in my heart and I danced,
I danced and danced under the nights moon, 
Until the sun ran its light through the streets of darkness,
I danced till my feet lifted off the ground and I lost this body,
As I looked up to the sky, I saw my beloved waiting for me,
He smile and said return to where you belong, return to me,
Become mine,
As I reached out to hold his hand, I smiled and said, my Lord, I have always been yours,
And it is only to you, I come.

Just be

Just be
Still
Like the blue sky holding the passing grey clouds
Let yourself pass away
Drown
Slowly and softly
In the mystery the moon hides
Watch her complete her cycle and rise to her fullest
Then
Watch her smile before she disappears
Disappear
In yourself
Till you find the core of His Divinity in your soul
Spread your wings, precious one
You have been hiding too long
These shackles you fear are old and small
Let them go
We have built all of heaven in the sky for you
So why crawl through hell looking for your paradise
Die
And be born again
With His love in your veins
Let these angels guide you
Hold you
Until you understand
Everything is a particle of light
And that light shines through you

Understand
All that light is you

Drop in the Ocean

I gaze through the darkness and found the Lateran of Your Love, softly growing inside me. My Dear Lord, I am ready to give up this futile will and bow my head in surrender to You. Twist and turn me like the Nile, until every ounce of my existence is washed away from who I call me and breathes out to become who You have set me out to be. Call me forth, my Beloved. I am waiting on the edge of my worldly life, to be carried where Your Winds take me. Take this bundle of flesh and blood and burn it in the Light of Your Passion, until I rise above these earthly cares.

Wait, I can feel my wings ruffling, ready to take flight. So come and meet me halfway across Heaven to let me claim what is rightfully mine. Become mine, My Beloved, just as I have become Yours. Let us both rejoice in this union of love, for I am the drop in the stream and you the ocean of life. And you, My Beloved are my ultimate destiny.

Speak To Me Of Love

Silent!

Hear them come with their heavy boots and flying machines, raging war in the name of love. Of what love do these foul-mouth fools speak of I ask of you!

What love, when they never claimed the iridescent Light of My Beloved's Essence? Did they see the moon smile as she casted a spell on the love sick poet's heart as he lost sleep over her beauty? Oh look at how she glowed as she rested peacefully at the feet of My Beloved's Throne. Or did they see the winds beckoning the sea to conjure up a storm that danced on the tips of His Fingers, only to die in pure surrender in the Palm of His Hands? Did they wait around to see the Heaven's butterfly emerge with her godly wings from the darkened cocoon only to spread radiant colours in the world as she glided on the summer's breeze?

O you fool, why believe only you hold the one key to freedom, when all of the Earth has been rolled out under your feet to be yours? Take off this attire of flesh and blood that you wear and toss that head of yours on the side too. Listen. Just listen as the angels hymn His Name in the night's wind. Look around you and know that everything you see is love and you are merely a reflection of it.

I'm Ready

The minute I heard my first love story,
I started looking for you, not knowing
how blind that was.
Lovers don't finally meet somewhere,
they're in each other all along ~ Rumi


I watched the oceans weep, for the last time, as I buried your love, somewhere on the edge of uncertainty. My body, that once cried out for your arms, softly sighed of relief, as I opened a new window of hope. The songs of the birds singing to a new day, awakened in me, a light that illuminated the torch I held as a symbol of my beingness. I felt alive in my existence. Being the beautiful, glorious me. I felt alive and ready to dive in the waves of joy, waiting in front of me.

I am alive and ready to meet with my lover at the door of my soul. Knock my beloved, so that I know, you are as thirsty as me to taste the sweet surrender, of our spirits merging into one. Ring this heart's bell, so I know you too, want to lose yourself in the ecstasy of it all. Don't wait for an answer, open the door and look me in the eye, so that I know that it is your soul that has finally arrived to mine.

Dancer of Love

Weightless, as I breathe in and allow myself to fall into Your infinite Love. This ocean of joy, opens its arms to catch me, as I gently drop through the sky. Breathless. I am sinking into Your Heart. Sheer bliss, as I breathe out and let myself go. I have disappeared.

Now, watch me dance, on the wind that beckons man, to drink the Wine of Your Love. Savour each drop, it says, because tonight, we shed our earthly skins and rejoice in this utter madness we call Love.

Hurry, we must not delay, for my soul is completely drunk, my Beloved. Catch me, before I fall again. I have given myself up to you, to become the dancer of Your Love. So watch me, my Beloved. Watch me, as I dance away the night for You.

The Sun's Death

O beloveds, let the sun slowly die into the night, till the ribbons of pink and purple, lose their hue and fade to black. Let it die, till her majesty rises to the peak of the sky and touch the bottom of Heaven's Door. Rise. Rise, above the fear of darkness. Above the secrets in your heavy heart that dampens the ethereal light of your lantern. Do not hide away, for I have seen your soul crawling across the floor, gathering pieces of truth. So release, my beloved, and breathe into the nightfall. Do not fear the blackened sky, for even it holds pockets of endless sparkling light, only if you are willing to look up and see.

Missing

I caught my heart from jumping out of my body when I missed that step and fell in the darkness. I reminisced that warm loving embrace that once surrounded me and made me feel home. The same that reminded me that I didn't need to fight, this fight alone. That you were there. That someone was there. I silently watched the tears fall away. Quietly wishing you were here to wipe them with me. Just wishing that I could reach out and caress your face with my finger tips and watch you smile back at me. And I wished this dull ache in my chest would fade away.. just fade away.. just as I wished that I would fade away.

Plight Of The Butterfly

You tell me you've been hurt, scarred and wounded. Why so naive and pretend only you exist? Did you not see the butterfly, slowly emerging to life, burdened by the heavy cocoon, the same that once protected her? Did you not see her plight as she struggled and flapped her wings to fly, so she is finally free?

So tell me, how will you ever harvest the Crop of His Love, if you never took the time to plant, the seeds of your grief in the Earth? Why hold your hurt so sacred, to avoid letting it go, that you erect a pyramid for the dead and call it holy?

Close your eyes, you foolish man. Inside you, lies a fountain of love, that no force can ever destroy. Seek that fountain and let it overflow your heart with its love, until your mind loosens its grips on your soul and you too begin to fly.