This letter is a dedication to the place inside me that is ornamented with all of your essence, before the shift in my Earth, covers it in the pages of my history.
Like many lifetimes before, I stood outside the temple of your love, wondering if I should climb the stairs leading to the altar of your heart. I wondered, if I should ring the rusted bells to awaken the lost songs of my devotion, that I chanted in your name. The demons of my past, disguised as the rays of hope, beckoned me to come closer. They softly whispered memories in my ears, till my eyes were filled with your loving smiles. Forgetting myself, I took a step forward, but the hem of my soul got tangled in the thorn of the black rose, hiding in your garden. Hurrying to reach you, I tugged to let myself free. Instead, it cut right through, reminding me why my worship of you had always been in vain. Unable to bear the hurt, I wore my armour to hide the pain and turned away.
I decided, to roll a boulder on the space left empty to stop my feelings from fluttering away and turned the volume of my thoughts down, so I could recognize the noise speaking inside of me.
I had always waded around the black and white pool of your carefully woven reality, dipping my toes precariously in the water, which burnt with the cold of your silence. Yet, again and again, I came around, certain, the warmth of my touch against your sacred skin, would melt the defenses, you had set up tactfully against my entry. I was wrong.
My mind, created a special place in your heart where I could forget myself and rise and fall to your breathing. Reality, hit it with a 7.1 and left behind dust for the ground to sweep. Still not convinced, I chased the storm. Breathless, I stood before the sea, watching the sun shining in the waves, wondering, why I had put down my “Fool in Love” card when, all this time, you were waiting to be wooed by the queen of spades. I walked to the places where you once held me in the strength of your arms, while I helplessly cried at our fortune. I stopped there to see if I could find parts of you that were lost in the battle of this separation. Yet, my courage failed each time the waves of sorrow crashed and drowned the golden stream in the darkness. And so I left those places behind too.
Frightened, the child inside me, ran in the distant forest, leaving no trace. The promise of you always finding me when I was lost, had followed me blindly. But by the time, I stopped in the middle of the wilderness, there was no you to be found. Unable to move, I watched the silvery sky cover the aurora of the northern star, which lighted the way back. I was all alone, in a place, I had no sense of navigation of.
I closed my eyes, and went back to the comfort of where I mapped out every inche of your body with the passion of my lips. Back to the place where I laid peacefully on your chest and let you run inside the blood in my veins. In those brief moments, my world was small enough to bounce in the spaces between our breaths. For there was nothing in it, except for the way my body held you within itself.
All this made me wonder, if on some days, your mind could still recall me laughing, as we watched my feet dance in your lap. If you regretted, not wiping the angry tears, I tried so hard not to show you. I quietly wondered, if you would have so easily said goodbye that day, you kissed my cheek before you ran to catch the plane, if you knew that it would be the last time you would see me. Would you have held back from what defined you and given yourself up to let me see you completely naked? Could there ever really be a chance, you understood that I loved you unconditionally, long before you could even think it as possible. I thought, if ever, I’ll become a tear in your eye and follow the path down your face that once my fingertips memorized. I shook my head, knowing somewhere, it had always been me who held out my open arms while you were too busy distracting yourself.
So, I retraced my steps back, to the eternity I felt while I waited for your lips to meet mine, just once. I picked up the heaviness in my heart, I hid behind a broken smile, when they never did and rocked it in my tireless arms. I, silently, held the woman, you left crying on those empty white sheets when you couldn't bare to expose your soul. I watched you peacefully lying in your own world, never really moving when I called out for your hand each time I was drowning.
I let myself drown this time alone, until my lungs gasped for air and I learnt to paddle. Soaked in your reminiscence, I wrapped all I could find of you in a piece of paper, torched it with the fire of my love and let the wind carry the ashes from my hand.
I let go, of ever wanting you to want me, in all the ways I had dreamt of wanting you. I let go, of trying to find a soft place to rest my head on, with you. I let go, of the desire to become the center of your universe, like you had been for me. This time, I decided to just let you go altogether and love you just as who you are, without ever looking back.
