Monday, July 15, 2024

I wish you love

I might have been one of many women in your life, but in seven years, you were the only man I truly wanted. 

You were the slow flame kind of love. There were no sparks in your presence, only the warmth and comfort like the gentle heat of a hearth on a cold night. And oh, the mouth full of kisses. For all these years, I didn’t realize that my version of normal was like holding my breath under icy, dark waters. Kissing you felt like finally surfacing, taking in a deep, real breath. I had forgotten what desire rushing through my body felt like. Maybe even the feeling of being wanted. But I don’t really know if I ever knew the latter.

I had hoped we could find a way forward, even if only as friends, because our connection felt genuine, and I wanted to keep you, the person you are, in my life. I really did adore you. And I didn’t need to be in a romantic relationship to do that. But the minute you felt I impeded on your freedom was the minute you threw me out. Every request I made was seen as an attempt to control you. Always felt you saw me as a competitor, someone to rebel against rather than an ally. But the truth is you were barely ever curious about me or my world.

I told you early on that if you ever wanted me to leave, all you had to do was say the word, and I would. Yet, you kept me around while you sorted through your own feelings, slowly ghosting me in the process. I just ripped the bandage off.

Honesty may sting briefly, but it’s the mixed signals that leave lasting wounds. The hurt was prolonged for both of us because you chose apathy, ambiguity, and distance to shield yourself from discomfort. 

Love, at its core, embodies forgiveness. It takes a lot of willingness and grace to accept our own mistakes and those of others. It demands even more bravery and vulnerability to build meaningful relationships. I am not claiming my actions were perfect—I own my mistakes. But you never seemed capable of offering or accepting apologies. You chose to stonewall me. 

The real tragedy for me is your denial of your feelings and avoidance of accountability, as if you couldn't bear the weight of your own truth. I don’t understand why you’d tell me you had feelings for me, only to retract those words days later and express interest in other women. It felt cruel. 

I saw your doppelganger one day. The man was playing with his little daughter, his wife by his side. I looked at them, and only a duaa came, that you have your own family - the love and security of belonging somewhere with someone you love and who makes you feel loved.

I also had a dream where you were laughing, a belly-full laugh, exquisitely happy. 

I know that no words could convey more of what this was than the silence between us. We were momentary guests in each other’s lives. Jahan ho, jaisay ho, I wish you a beautiful life.



Friday, March 03, 2023

Call me love

I'm throwing up my hands. 
I don't want this war
Don't let me leave
Stop. 
I'm throwing up my hands. 
Waving the White Flag
Stop 
Please
I'm throwing up my hands
But you were already long gone. 
You used to taste like love
Left out in the cold too long, 
A beating heart 
Murmuring its way to death 
The last glimpse of me in your iris, 
Shoulders rolled in
Feet turned away
Were you really there?
I miss you 
Never covered the years that got lost behind 
Still a stranger in familiar crowds 
Moving through cities 
that don't know my name 
But you can call me love 
I'm the forgotten 
Just like her. 

Wednesday, January 11, 2023

You were the reason

This city and I share a heart,
Your absence forever wandering through the streets 
Silence follows me around without footsteps 
Forgiven, all human sins. 
Except our love story
Heaviness holding my tongue down 
Do words give my missing you away? 
The empty spaces,
Shroud my despair in a solar-powered smile, 
Praying on Temple steps 
To a God, I cannot find 
To please keep you safe. 
Still looking up at the sky 
Knowing that it holds a roof over your head. 
Pushing the world back
With the strength you gave me
Let me find the love
I loved you with 
A reason to be alive 
Stitch it piece by piece back in me 
Reveling in the beautiful colors of this broken mosaic of light. 
Let me find the love that I loved you with 
For my own mortal time.

Sunday, December 25, 2022

Winter's solace

Hand me a sunshine of solace
Im stitching the hems of my soul
Looking for places
Still nowhere to go
Simmer me in silence
With the sound of my heart beat in my ears
Barren landscapes
Something always refused to grow
Searching for a mirror
In faces that had no eyes to see
Tracing fingertips
In hands that can not hold
The world keeps on spinning
Erase my existence
I was never really here
Run up to me 
To tell me you'd want me to stay
Long after I've faded from your memory
The butterfly's wings on the wintry wind
The color in the dull gray sky
Sometimes this is only what it means to be alive.

Sunday, November 20, 2022

Who we are

Someone said, "You're a really tough woman". I held back from saying, "I wish I didn't have to be".

Tenderness and love. Give me tenderness and a place to rest my head. When the lights turn dim, a hand to hold. The warmth that I don't have to do it all alone. I have all the magical solutions to fix the punctures in my deflated world.

My sister telling me, "You had it the hardest".

Recalling my ex kissing my forehead saying, "you were the scared little girl who everyone failed to protect so you turned into the woman no one or nothing can break. I'm sorry, I hurt you". I've built a throne made up of all the sorries I was not there. Carefully collecting them from every corner. Then burnt down my kingdom.

Fear. I have gulped it down all my life. Look straight at it in the eye. Everyone building rainbows to stop it from creeping in me. If only I was allowed to be scared. With safe hands to shelter me. Who we are and who we become. In the absence of mercy

If I can take one more hit, I can take my life

If I can take one more hit, I will take my life

Take it, take it

Swallow it down

Shove it down

These bruises will heal,

Until the body refuses.

Purge out all of the bullshit and their philosophies. We are still standing as a sign of some of sort twisted victory.

Who we are and oh god what have we become.I am not a lover, I am not a fighter. I am only a human. Heart thrown to the ground. Smashed to the floor. Here's a piece left of me. Take it. Pick it if you want. I have no use or need for it now.

But, in my silence, that little girl peers at me

When I look at her, she smiles and runs to my arms. Her first home finally of safety.

Who we are…and..in the process..who we become.



Saturday, August 13, 2022

Daddy's little girl

Daddy's little girl. 
The country's whore,
Carrying the cold winter,
Like a happy rainbow. 
My soft slow gentle hands, 
Cutting through the heat of the shame,
Lifting these veils of pretense, 
Letting the heaviness fall under its own weight,
Looking in each other's eyes, 
The rage you burnt is the fuel in me,
My mother birthed me on the day of Bloodshed and victories,
Thy Kingdom shall come,
But the wars that we waged were unholy, 
Flinching at the sound of each other's voice. Daddy's most favorite. 
I told you, I'm you 
But you couldn't even look at me. 
Vehemently shaking your head, 
God have mercy if that'd be true
But I still have your broken heart and mine,
Carrying longings for love,
Sheltering strangers to feel a piece of home
I told you, I'm you 
Too hurt and full of pride to give in,
Held up our heads so strong,
Unbreakable,
Until we both broke one another.
The hate you got, you gifted to me.
Open wounds passed on wakefully
I hope you're finally at peace. 
And when the final day arrives, 
when all our sins are forgiven 
Maybe for the first time, 
We can stand heart to heart
And forgive each other
Forgive each other for not being enough
Then you can say
Daddy's little girl 
Oh how you are proud of me
Maybe then it would finally be heaven for me.

Thursday, June 16, 2022

Light it up

I told you when I was leaving,
I'll find someone better than you to love me,
But even after years, 
Never found anyone who is curious about me,
Maybe I should set myself on fire
For someone to have mercy on my light
But you know I have been invisible all my life
The heart can burn and burn
Until it turns cold as ice
I take refuge in knowing
You used to see me and smile
Once upon a time,
You knew the flickering of my eyes
The real feelings behind my fake smiles
Squeezing my hand so I wouldn't go off alone
Now alone is the only place once again I know
So I lean against walls
Pretending it's your chest
Trying to recreate the only safety I ever felt
But it feels as hard as your love
Just standing there, 
Never getting through
But you know,
I've also always been an outsider too
Breaking off pieces of me for crumbles of love from everyone until I couldn't 
You too hurt me in ways in which love shouldn't
I wake up breathless and scared in the middle of the night 
On days that get heavy,
Despite everything still pretend you're by my side,
I know, I know
This is a world where anything can be
Except you and me,
I never want you near me,
And I think it's time to leave
Still there's no place to go
Nowhere I need to be,
But it's time to leave.
Pack my bags and find a home for me.

I wish you love

I might have been one of many women in your life, but in seven years, you were the only man I truly wanted.  You were the slow flame kind of...