Encrypted Diaries

Missing

2012-01-13T03:53:00.000-08:00

I caught my heart from jumping out of my body when I missed that step and fell in the darkness. I reminisced that warm loving embrace that once surrounded me and made me feel home. The same that reminded me that I didn't need to fight, this fight alone. That you were there. That someone was there. I silently watched the tears fall away. Quietly wishing you were here to wipe them with me. Just wishing that I could reach out and caress your face with my finger tips and watch you smile back at me. And I wished this dull ache in my chest would fade away.. just fade away.. just as I wished that I would fade away.

Plight Of The Butterfly

2012-01-05T15:19:00.001-08:00

You tell me you've been hurt, scarred and wounded. Why so naive and pretend only you exist? Did you not see the butterfly, slowly emerging to life, burdened by the heavy cocoon, the same that once protected her? Did you not see her plight as she struggled and flapped her wings to fly, so she is finally free?

So tell me, how will you ever harvest the Crop of His Love, if you never took the time to plant, the seeds of your grief in the Earth? Why hold your hurt so sacred, to avoid letting it go, that you erect a pyramid for the dead and call it holy?

Close your eyes, you foolish man. Inside you, lies a fountain of love, that no force can ever destroy. Seek that fountain and let it overflow your heart with its love, until your mind loosens its grips on your soul and you too begin to fly.

Storm on the Pond

2012-01-02T14:21:00.000-08:00

A storm came lurking over my pond tonight. Drop by drop, the rain hit the surface of the water. Making violent ripples before silently fading away. One after another while underneath it all, there was always a certain stillness. Those fallen drops were all openly absorbed into this being of vastness.

For the truth is, only the heavy rain clouds, pour down what they carry, the light ones simply skip by, and the Earth gently complies by spurting out giant trees that give different creatures, a very shelter from the same storm. For how can there ever be life, without the force to sustain it?

Glass Walls

2012-01-02T06:15:00.000-08:00

I tried to turn away from the nameless smoke inside, choking this beating heart. But the familiarity in, its smell, drew me to the edge of our glass walls. I thoroughly read the labels and warning on them but still sensed a deeper story. So I took a breath and I broke through; totally unharmed.

Waves of love ran through me as they fell away to the ground and blossomed as hope. I met fear and hate on their way out and I closed the past behind me. I moved like particles of light, as I laid down those poisoned arrows, hurting me; I was weightless. I surrendered. Not to the stream of thoughts but to the Voice Echoing in every inch of my soul. It spoke of running those walls down until the fragility of our minds are shaken of its foundation and those moulds that contain us, break and we remember that it is not who we are that matter but the divinity that runs through each soul, that connects us, so we may forget ourselves and become one.

The Paper Prince

2011-12-27T06:00:00.000-08:00

Since a long time, the hologram of your love, danced in the palm of my hand, while you were somewhere fighting your demons and conquering destiny. I had given up this cold addiction of you, but the warmth of the pain, echoing in my body, reminded me, you were still there. So I followed the trial and it led me to the alley of all your broken promises. I turned around in the corner, to discover the emptiness in your words; all those times, I found nothing. A tear fell from my eye and conjured up a storm in my heart. I slowed down to count the years gone by, but then what difference do simplified numbers make? The past is gone and done with, just as you are. Tell me, what good is a man, who plucked the Heaven's Rose, only to bury it in the Earth's ground, without feeling its passion? What good is the lover, who never left the safety of the harbour, to search for his beloved's soul? And what good is that love, that is taught with words rather than the silence trickling between the breaths?

Like the lost gull at sea, how long, I had circled around your castle's door, waiting to be welcomed and when you let the gates down, I had already sought new lands where I laid down my nest. So farewell, farewell, oh paper prince of mine, for this fairytale book, has come to an end.

Taste of Freedom

2011-12-19T13:21:00.000-08:00

Dissipate the smoke of disillusion, the beliefs of wrong and right in the soundless wisdom within you. Open your eyes to the world inside and you will see the stars bow down to build you a bridge that takes you to Him. Let His Love, flow to you like a river across the black netted sky, holding those sparkling diamonds, reflecting the richness of your soul. Let it touch, your very core, till the door of the cage, you call life, breaks opens and you flutter away like the white dove. Fly away, beloved one, for you have always been free.

The Moon Child

2011-12-12T09:32:00.000-08:00

Lost, under the misty glow of the full moon, she swayed gently, with the silence of the winter's breeze. The fireflies lightened the strings of her heart, until they began to hymn the songs of His Love. She opened her eyes briefly, trying to adjust to the golden iridescence of His Light, but out of the fear of being mesmerized, closed them before anyone could notice. The thousand lies written on the ancient walls of her temple, played out their tragedies over and over again, until they were all undone and the masks of all the actors fell away to the ground. As each one of them awakened to their own presence, they began to shine like the glittering stars across the night's sky. So who was she to shrink away in the darkness? Each soul is only a mirror of His Eternal Flame. With that, she decided to cast the grey clouds of her thoughts away and shine amidst the stars, afterall she always had been the moon child.

Thy Light

2011-11-09T09:52:00.000-08:00

O Allah, You are the Source of All Light,
We all are merely Lanterns, Burning in the Sweetness of Your Eternal Love

Your Soul To Mine

2011-10-31T15:56:00.000-07:00

A mist of sadness settled in my eyes since the day, the Earth took you back. Memories played themselves, over and over, till they eventually faded away into the silence of the room. I counted on my fingertips, the infinite ways, I had held you in a bubble of love, close to my beating heart. Your laughter, still lingering somewhere in the corner of my mind, from the last time you spoke to me. My sight, limited by the veil of this humanly plane, failed to find your loving eyes, continuing to watch me grow into the woman I am. I knocked on the empty space, left inside, to trace the physical bond of you and I, but I was only greeted by my own heavy sighs.

Yet somewhere, amidst the angry static of the world, you reached out to me in all the different ways. I heard your soul fluttering in the wings of the birds, encircling the orange sky. I heard your soul in the hustling of the red and yellow autumn leaves, patiently waiting for a new season. I heard your soul roar in the ocean's waves, as it touched the shore of my life. I heard your soul rejoice in the sudden burst of a child's laughter and yet I heard it cry, a thousand tears of separated lovers. I heard you speak to me in a language beyond words.

This lifted the curtain of my mind and I could see the days, when we all were merely unborn bones, burning with the Radiance of His Light and carrying the torches of His Love in a world where everything was created as one. It was this very place where you and I were moulded into these bodies and it is this very place, where you and I shall meet once more, for death, can never tear love apart.

Fall

2011-10-27T06:23:00.000-07:00

Angered the man said to his Lord: I carried the burden of the entire world on my back for You, how could You not have been there for me, when I could no longer carry it?
He Softly Smiled: My child, did you not notice I Created the entire ground and covered it with lush garden to break your fall?

I Live

2011-10-25T00:33:00.000-07:00

I tasted you, My Lord, somewhere in the corner of my very soul. I had mistaken all the hues of grey of my own existence, to be Your Life Force until You Dawned the Rainbow of Your Love on me.

Disconnected from myself by the fear of my small mind, I had looked into those vacant eyes and twisted smiles, unable to recognize any part of them in me. But between the spaces, when words fell away and You Came Alive in the silence, I became still enough to feel their little hearts skipping with excitement in mine. I touched their crooked hands and felt the Divinity of Your Essence. I gazed at their imperfect faces, to find Your Absolute Perfection Looking back at me.

I saw strands of brilliant, bright, white, light, between the colourless darkness and I recognized each of them to be Yours. I See You, my Beloved, in the changing seasons which we speak of as life. I feel You, my Beloved, in the face of death, that merely gives way to a new life being born. I breathe You, My Lord, with every breath I surrender to this Earth.

I raise my head high up towards the sky, as the wind gently whispers Your Name in my ears and I live, My Lord. And I live.

The Day He Took You

2011-10-24T03:39:00.000-07:00

This is a dedication to my grandfather, who carried immense love in his heart

I dreamt of you today,
Holding those weary dreams under the yellow street lights, somewhere in the middle of the road to Heaven,
You laid wide awake in your sleep, while the world around you laid peacefully in their slumber,
I heard the sky thunder as He Called for you to return to His Majestic Kingdom,
You softly smiled with tears in your eyes as you shed this earthly skin,
The angels happily welcomed you onboard the Train of Light to carry you to His Door,
I stood at this life’s gate, gently waving you this temporary goodbye, quietly kissing the afterglow of your love as it left a trial behind,
I watched the ground open its heart to forever hold you close,
It told me not to weep, as your soul had been so kind, it would give more life to the flowers and the trees,
It told me death can never be the end of love, it is just a new start,
With that, I woke up to hear your heart beat in mine and I wiped away a tear as I thanked you for all the thousand silent moments that we spent between our smiles,
And I knew, till we meet again, you would always live inside my heart.

Forever Love - Goodbye

2011-10-20T08:47:00.000-07:00

This letter is a dedication to the place inside me that is ornamented with all of your essence, before the shift in my Earth, covers it in the pages of my history.

Like many lifetimes before, I stood outside the temple of your love, wondering if I should climb the stairs leading to the altar of your heart. I wondered, if I should ring the rusted bells to awaken the lost songs of my devotion, that I chanted in your name. The demons of my past, disguised as the rays of hope, beckoned me to come closer. They softly whispered memories in my ears, till my eyes were filled with your loving smiles. Forgetting myself, I took a step forward, but the hem of my soul got tangled in the thorn of the black rose, hiding in your garden. Hurrying to reach you, I tugged to let myself free. Instead, it cut right through, reminding me why my worship of you had always been in vain. Unable to bear the hurt, I wore my armour to hide the pain and turned away.

I decided, to roll a boulder on the space left empty to stop my feelings from fluttering away and turned the volume of my thoughts down, so I could recognize the noise speaking inside of me.

I had always waded around the black and white pool of your carefully woven reality, dipping my toes precariously in the water, which burnt with the cold of your silence. Yet, again and again, I came around, certain, the warmth of my touch against your sacred skin, would melt the defenses, you had set up tactfully against my entry. I was wrong.

My mind, created a special place in your heart where I could forget myself and rise and fall to your breathing. Reality, hit it with a 7.1 and left behind dust for the ground to sweep. Still not convinced, I chased the storm. Breathless, I stood before the sea, watching the sun shining in the waves, wondering, why I had put down my “Fool in Love” card when, all this time, you were waiting to be wooed by the queen of spades. I walked to the places where you once held me in the strength of your arms, while I helplessly cried at our fortune. I stopped there to see if I could find parts of you that were lost in the battle of this separation. Yet, my courage failed each time the waves of sorrow crashed and drowned the golden stream in the darkness. And so I left those places behind too.

Frightened, the child inside me, ran in the distant forest, leaving no trace. The promise of you always finding me when I was lost, had followed me blindly. But by the time, I stopped in the middle of the wilderness, there was no you to be found. Unable to move, I watched the silvery sky cover the aurora of the northern star, which lighted the way back. I was all alone, in a place, I had no sense of navigation of.

I closed my eyes, and went back to the comfort of where I mapped out every inche of your body with the passion of my lips. Back to the place where I laid peacefully on your chest and let you run inside the blood in my veins. In those brief moments, my world was small enough to bounce in the spaces between our breaths. For there was nothing in it, except for the way my body held you within itself.

All this made me wonder, if on some days, your mind could still recall me laughing, as we watched my feet dance in your lap. If you regretted, not wiping the angry tears, I tried so hard not to show you. I quietly wondered, if you would have so easily said goodbye that day, you kissed my cheek before you ran to catch the plane, if you knew that it would be the last time you would see me. Would you have held back from what defined you and given yourself up to let me see you completely naked? Could there ever really be a chance, you understood that I loved you unconditionally, long before you could even think it as possible. I thought, if ever, I’ll become a tear in your eye and follow the path down your face that once my fingertips memorized. I shook my head, knowing somewhere, it had always been me who held out my open arms while you were too busy distracting yourself.

So, I retraced my steps back, to the eternity I felt while I waited for your lips to meet mine, just once. I picked up the heaviness in my heart, I hid behind a broken smile, when they never did and rocked it in my tireless arms. I, silently, held the woman, you left crying on those empty white sheets when you couldn't bare to expose your soul. I watched you peacefully lying in your own world, never really moving when I called out for your hand each time I was drowning.

I let myself drown this time alone, until my lungs gasped for air and I learnt to paddle. Soaked in your reminiscence, I wrapped all I could find of you in a piece of paper, torched it with the fire of my love and let the wind carry the ashes from my hand.

I let go, of ever wanting you to want me, in all the ways I had dreamt of wanting you. I let go, of trying to find a soft place to rest my head on, with you. I let go, of the desire to become the center of your universe, like you had been for me. This time, I decided to just let you go altogether and love you just as who you are, without ever looking back.

Dedication to the Phoenix

2011-10-18T12:18:00.000-07:00

Why pretend that you are the broken winged bird, when He Created you from the ashes of Heaven and raised you as the Phoenix.
Why pretend that you are the wounded child, afraid from all, when you are the warrior carrying the Arrow of His love and the Message of His Peace.
Why pretend to hide and think the Universe can not see you, when each place is illuminated with the gold of your aura as you walk in.
Why pretend you stumble for words to express your beauty, when your speech is soft as the blossoming rose and intoxicates the depths of the human soul with His Longingness,
Why pretend you are the fragment of dust in the wind, when you are the very Earth revolving around the axis of His Divinity.
So why do you pretend?
You already know He Came Down when the call of your tears shook His Mighty Throne,
He Carried you all the way in His Loving Arms and Set you to sail in the Ocean of Light, until you will return home to Him.

Your Reflection

2011-10-17T12:04:00.000-07:00

O my Beloved, my Love,
Set my soul ablaze with the Fire of Your Passion, that this wick of life, burns away in Your Calling,
Drown me, in the Ocean of Your Beingness, that I may forever swim in the knowing, that it is You who has engulfed me completely,
Carry me, my Dearest One, down those forgotten roads where none live, that I may become the whispering Winds of Your love, and breathe life into those lands,
O my Beloved,
Fill this empty vessel, that you hold gently in Your Loving Hands, till my body is drenched in the Essence of Your Fragrance and I am brought forward in this world as a Reflection of You.

Letting go

2011-10-17T03:02:00.000-07:00

Surrender the weapons of your battles, for there is nothing in this world to be won,
Put down the guard you have constructed, for the only enemy is your raging mind,
Crumble down completely to dust, for it is the only time you will be reborn,
Allow the hand of destiny to move you, for it is the star guiding you to the harbour of your own radiance,
Fall away from all what you believe, for it is the lost seeds that grow as a garden of love,
Release the fear that has gripped your soul, for light can never shy away from darkness,
Then once you have cross the field of knowing and have entered into nothingness, that's where you will find Him, patiently waiting for you.

I Am

2011-10-15T11:20:00.000-07:00

I am the northern star, guiding the lost sailor's ship, back to the comfort of the harbour,
I am the highway, spread across the open sky, giving way to the dance between the moon and the sun,
I am the pillars of the Earth, holding the ground strong, to carpet each step walking away,
I am the wind, blowing through the land, offering no past and holds no future,
I am the smile, on the lover's face, upon seeing the light of her Beloved,
I am the pearl, hidden in the depths of the ocean, shining without care in the heart of darkness,
I am the call, of the morning song, softly awakening a world that lies sleeping,
I am the spring, blooming in every petal of the rose as she comes to life,
I am an intricate part of all that has been created,
Because everything is Created as an extension of You.

Infinity

2011-10-14T10:41:00.000-07:00

The jester, knitted fairytales of woes for my heart to carry, until it turned into a black impenetrable stone, that I deemed as my precious jewel. It was only when Your Love blew through me, that I embraced the flame raging in my heart, shivering in Your Passion. It divulged me in a nameless place, where I breathe myself into You. All this while, I saw myself separated from all, until the Glow of Your Light pierced through the fog of darkness. All those ways, I deceived myself to be, unraveled at Your Feet and I looked up to see myself as an infinite perfection of You and You Alone.

Wheel Of Love

2011-10-04T04:24:00.000-07:00

O mankind, you who seek your Creator,
Break your heart open, to allow it to flutter like the dove, before it takes flight,
Quiver like the Autumn leaves, waiting patiently, to kiss the ground,
Sweep the dust of your broken dreams under the rug of surrender, until each chimney is wiped clean of your will,
Swirl around in madness until your ears are only filled with the music of His Calling,
O you seekers of the truth,
The path that leads to God is easy,
It is the only one which is glorified and basked in love.

His Love Touched Me

2011-10-02T11:59:00.000-07:00

I hid under the sand, covering myself with rocks, so nobody could ever find me,
He Gave me Roots and Grew me as a tree, holding the blossoming flowers, that drew every sweetness present towards me,
I turned myself into the mountains, keeping myself strong and steady, so nothing could ever move me,
He Opened me up and Allowed a river to flow right through me, that gave birth to every path it turned on,
I lifted my wings and flew away as the birds, so nothing could ever follow me,
He Created the sky as my umbrella, so that I may be sheltered in its hands,wherever I choose to go,
I pulled the night's robe over me, completely certain that nothing could see me,
He Lit the moon so that I may light up, all that laid below me,
Everything I did, I saw Him Living and Growing inside me,
I held on to fear, until I froze to the point where my hands and knees were no longer part of my system,
He came down from His Throne and with His One Touch of Love, I've forgotten who I am and now I choose to dance in His Name, for all eternity.

My Pen's Confessions

2011-09-29T06:07:00.000-07:00

It was when the black birds pulled the night's curtain over the sky that the moon, unveiled her radiant self to the Earth. I sat in her trance, while my pen bounced across the pages of my journal, trying to reconnect to the ghosts that haunted, the empty alleys of my troubled mind.

I gently fell in, like November's first snowflakes and saw winter set in your eyes. I painted my heart, a bright gold, to remind me of the sun, as I crossed over your icy words. In standing before you, I saw clouds of hope floating away from your face. Your barren lips, anchored to the bottom of your blackened heart, whispered sounds without any sensation of life in them.

I smiled at you, secretly hoping, somewhere you kept me alive in your body, where I once touched you. I searched high and low till the point I lost myself in the strands of your soul, and found that it was already filled with a new world that laid far beyond the reach of my comprehension.

So, I looked up at the sky as the rain poured down my face. I quietly turned away, hiding my saddened heart in the clasp of my little hand. My feet, led me on, while somewhere on the other side, the flame of the love that burnt for you, softly died. I crawled on my knees into a cave, to keep myself warm from the changing winds. For a long time, I watched the sun in my heart, silently grow cold. Not being able to feel the warmth any longer, I gathered myself and left. When I gazed ahead, I was still under the majestic moon, as my pen bounced across the pages of my journal.

All The Things He Forgot

2011-09-23T13:43:00.000-07:00

I think he forgot, the love that danced in my eyes for him,
I think he forgot, the sleepless nights we spent laughing away,
I think he forgot, how my lips kissed the tips of his fingers,
I think he forgot, the weight I carried for his safe passage,
I think he forgot, the million conversations scattered between us,
I think he forgot, how we ran freely under the clear blue skies,
I think he forgot, the heat of my hand in his,
I think he forgot, the warmth he felt when I held him close to me,
I think he forgot, the thoughts that rolled back and forth between us,
I think he forgot, the broken dreams I wiped away from his eyes,
I think he forgot, the smile on my face as I watched him breathe,
But I mainly think he forgot me.

I Found Me

2011-09-15T06:28:00.000-07:00

The day you left, with the door of our house ajar and the handle down, I locked you in my heart, hiding the key, so nobody could find it in a million lifetimes. I silently talked to the pale moon about you, as the stars quietly gazed down. I left behind a trial of little notes with pieces of me all over the place, so you could always find them, incase I was gone too long. Even in your absence, you were always here, running errands in my mind.

I, only, remembered you were gone when my solitude really began to feel like mine and the empty room cried out, like the lonely wolf's howl, in the darkness. It was then, the echoes of footsteps stopped and I knew nobody was coming. It was then, those little notes became dust in the wind. I had forgotten to breathe, because I undoubtedly thought, my body was alive only with your breath. Angry bouts of sadness, fought their way down my cheeks until they fell away to the floor.

Startled, I woke up with forever, etched across my mind but decided it was too late now, so kissed love permanently goodnight. In the middle, when dreams laid themselves upon me, I stretched out my hand across the bed for you, but found my slow-motioned imagination, taking me down memory lane over and over again, until my pillow was soaked in your remembrance.

I ran to look for where you were, but all the streets on the map had changed their names. So I stopped in disillusion before deciding to return. It was that very moment, I mysteriously ran into myself and began to fall in love. It finally, gave me the courage, to open the cage of my heart and give you flight. The courage to breathe and to embrace, all I saw. It was then, I was able to raise my head up high and walk around like a giant with baby toes, parading everywhere, my new found treasure. I walked, until I stood before our house and invited myself in, to a new home.

Conversion

2011-09-11T08:07:00.000-07:00

I release my soul to the clouds above, so that it may dance with the moon, radiating a glimpse of Your Majestic Light,
I breathe my spirit into the summer wind that blows, so that it may carry me through the bright flowers that reflect Your Grace,
I whistle the songs of the sparrows that greet the morning sun, so that I may spread as Your Warmth,
I flow through this life's stream, gently rushing to meet the ocean of Your Vastness,
I raise my body to the sky, only to fall to the ground as the rain, so that I may bloom as the trees, standing firm in Your Strength,
I let go of every part of myself, so that I may become a Part of You.

Blue Birds

2011-09-09T02:18:00.000-07:00

They talked about the crookedness in her walk, as she hurried past them. But she didn't care. She was too busy looking at the blue birds in the sky.

The Awakening

2011-09-01T13:34:00.000-07:00

All these pink, blue, purple dreams, sleep peacefully away in my eyes. The voices in the distance, sing them a lullaby, under the big yellow moon as I make my way through the open fields of wonder. Oh how beautiful is the night's sky, holding the million laughing stars,glistening with delight. I lift my hands up to hold the world, and the sun cries out a single drop of its gold, warming me from the top of my head, to the bottom of my toe. Running to the edge of infinity, I return but with only my heart's cup full of love and my mind empty of its thoughts. It is there that I finally stop, as I gaze in awe at Your True Grace. It is there, that I lay these dreams before You, so that I may awaken in Your Loving Presence, as who You Want me to be.

Changing Tides

2011-08-28T13:39:00.000-07:00

Amidst the sea of separation, I swam to meet its shore, where you stood lovingly before me, after years of numbness. Somewhere, divinity washed over you and transformed your face in the changing tides. All the ways, I thought I knew you, trickled down into the sands of times till the waves swept them back into the abyss of the deep blue ocean. Back to where we both were born, out of the single cell that knew no hurt or boundaries. To the place where I was you and you were I. And we shall, from now onwards, forever live there as one, once more.

The River

2011-08-14T03:09:00.000-07:00

I sat down the river bank next to my Beloved. In the silence, He spoke: "Watch as she roars forward, allowing nothing to stop her as she makes her way to her ultimate destiny". Not understanding, I turned to Him and said: "But You are found in the silence of our souls. She moves away from You by creating so much noise and distraction. How can she make her way to You?". He Laughed and said: "O My divine child, inside she is as silent as the drop from which she took birth. Inside, she carries with her all life force that runs through you. But you must be willing to step in the water and risk drowning to know what really lies beneath the fearful waves." He Put His Arms around me and lifted me so that I may see as He Pointed: " Notice how she twists and turns, narrows and widens, bends and breaks, goes over and under all the spaces I Have Created in her path." I turned away to look as He said: " She is only joyful to do what I have Created her to do". As He put me down, my eyes widened with wonder. "What is her purpose?" I asked. He smiled and said: "To flow until she breaks her bank, merge into the vastness of the ocean, and allows herself to relinquish as she joins it in oneness." With that, He left me alone next the the river, to savour her journey.

Heart's Calling

2011-08-11T23:44:00.000-07:00

O my Lord, teach me to scribble my pen, in Thy Glory
O my Lord, empty this heart’s cup, to fill it with Thy Love
O my Lord, move these feet to dance, to the rhythm of Thy Music
O my Lord, strengthen these arms, that they may carry Thy Will
O my Lord, grow this tree of life, to bear the fruits of Thy Name
O my Lord, chip these stories away, that I may become a vessel of Thy Light
O my Lord, embrace this body so that I may dissipate into Thee
That I may fade to become Thee.

Story of Us

2011-07-12T11:10:00.000-07:00

Footsteps, slow me down, as I turn to walk away from the place I once called home. Reminiscing the comfort of your voice, one last time, before I close this door behind me, for good. Your words always dragging with the lies that you casted over me, offered no condolences for the time that I wasted daydreaming. Your body, forever, chained to your mind's prison, kept you hidden from your own vulnerability. Time and time again, vows were made, only to be swept into history.

Sick of this endless carrousel, I sat down, with the story of us. I ripped out every line and paper I could find until it was all undone.

Now, I've left with nothing except for my bag full of bitter sweet memories. I leave behind all for you to build upon so you can have a place called home.

Back to Reality

2011-06-13T09:01:00.000-07:00

I crashed into the Earth with heavy wings that could no longer support your weight. I held onto my beating heart, until your hand reached into me and tore it out. I bled to the ground, waiting to be healed from your cupid's arrow that ripped through my soul. Even Mother Nature refused refuge, angered at my foolish love for tilting the axis of the world, just to hear the angels sing your name. So now I'm alone. And the buzzing noise is quietening down in my head, as I close my eyes to who I am.

Choice to Freedom

2011-04-03T22:45:00.000-07:00

The door I chose to open, in search of my life to begin, led me in the middle of nowhere, stripping me off my past and offered no glimpse of my future. The path I chose to follow, to simplify my journey’s options, presented a million opportunities, fluttering their wings all around. I chose to walk the road of the most resistance and found myself bowing to the pure surrender of it all.

Amidst all this Divine Chaos, the mind failed to understand, what the heart already knew. And my heart knew, that I will be found, by my own radiant light, that shines, when all else is covered in darkness. It knew, that each end is only the seed of a new beginning. And in every moment, I die, only to be brought back to life, with my single breath. I am forever being born, in a world that, forever, stands still.

So this time, I am releasing the burden of choosing. I will flow only where, this river called life, takes me. I will keep my heart open, to all this glorious madness, to absorb myself in its beauty, that I may, finally, break free of whom, I believe this woman to be.

Delirium

2010-12-18T14:01:00.000-08:00

Darkness swirling inside me, growing an inch every second of the day, by the bitterness you choke me with. Twisting and turning to become a blackhole of hollowness as I cringe and wince with the burning hate I feel for you.

Sputtering out words with no meaning. Just talking, talking, talking, deliriously. Temperature rising to the maximum, as my heart freezes over, turns an icy blue then finally springs out of order and all this while you watch without a care. Silent, as the sea, pulling me down with your current of insensitivity, leaving me to drown in my own wave of emotions. There I watch you stand alone, the impenetrable wall, to whom a thousand souls have died, crying out to. Unmoved, unconcerned, you simply walk away than to indulge yourself in these foolish games of love. My, foolish games of love.

So let this fact be the very beginning of our end once more. How can you, the stoic, chance crashing into my world, at the expense of your own safe world falling apart.

All dreaming ends

2010-12-18T11:22:00.000-08:00

There were days when I dreamt coming home to you would be like falling in a bed of roses, finally having a soft place where I could rest. But I woke up to find the thorns, cut through my heart and the love I had in it for you, was slowly bleeding away. What got left behind was the ugly bruise, I so desperately tried to hide with wishful thinking.

I dreamt you as my soldier of love, my guardian who'd steady me as the world goes crumbling down. But I woke up to find when it all came crashing, the angry shards ripped through who I was until I lost sense of all feeling and fell to the ground hurt.

I laboured away my day and night to build you enchanted castles in the open sky with these grains of sand, so that we may spend our life as one. Believing, the love in my eyes would strengthen you as you'd reach to lift me up from the ground. But your hand never came and I was scorched and blinded by the sun as I looked up to find you.

And so my dreams of finding a hero ended as I looked around to find myself as alone as I always had been.

Home Coming

2010-10-05T12:26:00.001-07:00

Ruptured, oozing out the fear that’s been flowing in my veins. I spent my time so mesmerized by the fiery glow of my silhouette that I overlooked the darkness it casted, which blocked out my sun. Frightened by what I might find, I ran so far away from home that my pounding heart drowned the drumming of my feet against the ground. Chartering my course very skillfully, I sought to leave it all behind, until I saw my shadow still with me as one. So I moved. Into my own shining light and watched it melt away. Finally understanding that the strength of a true warrior laid not in the will to fight but in the courage to surrender. For those little moments the world stood still and my heart was overflowing with love and I saw a reflection of who I really was: Immortal.

Smoke mirror

2010-06-23T04:53:00.000-07:00

These noises in my head scream, ching klang! Ching klang! of the icy steel emotions, left in the empty spaces between you and me. In the twisted ugliness I found in your oh-so-pretty-face, I struggled to cling to the last inches I thought I knew of you. Hanging for my life, aching to find the key to my infinite wisdom by your guiding hand, knowing I was falling in an abyss, where you would never call out to me. But I still hoped against hope that you would mark it as my absolute dedication to you as the reigning priestess in my temple of love. And so, I lost myself, and you, as I tumbled down in the unknown alone. My mind unraveled countless stories, pointing fingers at you, in a place where time had ceased to exist. Until I began to feel the burden of your sweet seduction weighing me down to my own doom and I released myself from its clutches and set you free. With new born wings, I began to fly. Fly, fly, fly away from where you stand, into a world that’s mine alone.

From the shadow into the light

2009-10-11T15:43:00.001-07:00

O my Beloved,

When eternity ends and I shed this worldly skin to return to You,

Will You Remember my tears that turned oceans into storms that engulfed the clear blue skies and made the clouds weep in Your Longingness,

Will You Look at my empty hands, that once held the riches of the Earth, only to come to You with nothing so that they may caress the essence of Your Light,

O my Beloved,

I shall walk, barefoot, on all the burdens of the world, stripped of my pride, just so I can come to You, stark naked, as I was born, that You may See, everything that I need lies with You,

I shall give up the praise of the morning sun and it's glory to enter into the darkness of the ground to bask in Your Glimmering Light which You Shine through me,

O my Beloved Lord, My Most Precious One,

I submit and I surrender

Now

I am Yours just as You are mine.

The Departed - R.I.P

2009-05-14T11:27:00.000-07:00

My pen dribbles parts of my soul away on an empty canvas, trying to paint a forgotten dream. Putting together pieces of who we were to resolve the madness that drove us to annihilate each other.

Every centimeter of my universe became alive with the whisper of your presence, as you strut in and out the chambers of my heart. An unbreakable bond, that was celestially approved, was forged between us. Each with a broken wing, together, we began to soar. I was yours and you were mine. Through toil and trouble we pressed on, like proud soldiers, holding their heads up, victorious from the war. But when we began to face the enemy, we found it inside rather than it lying beyond us. Our own demons and shadows set ablaze all that was innocent and pure, leaving behind a trial of exasperation and hollowness.

Like the turning season, I, then, began to change. As we marched forward, the war became a lost cause. A realization hit me that I only embarked this journey to escape the shame of facing who I was. I sold myself off to you for a dime so you could love what I hated. Like a hurt, lost and blinded fool, I waded around, sometimes stopping you in your tracks to discover how valuable I was for you.

I walked great lengths to cover the distance in your eyes but still you were nowhere to be found. Silence, happily, crept up to my heart and wrapped it in a cloak of misery. Questions and questions hounded me until my mind went numb and choked the essence of our love, completely tainting it away. Illusions that never became real tore me down, brought me on my knees with eyes wet towards the open sky, waiting for a miracle.

In the heat of the battle, I mustered enough courage to raise my white flag and throw my hands up as I surrendered. I could no longer fight, this fight beside you. You, with your selfish agendas, could not convince me that all this destruction could justify the end. I felt impoverish in a queen’s robe, confused of all the admiring eyes because, all this time, I felt I was alone in this even when you were lying right beside me, right here in my arms.

The abandonment overwhelmed you with feelings of betrayal to the point you only spitted out words of anger and hate. You gloated about how you could simply hold me to the ground and bring my life to a halt. But you know I would never hurt you that way. So blame me now, for the fall, if it allows you to hide the truth behind the masquerade. Set yourself free of the guilt. There’s no one beside you anymore to judge.

But in the abyss of the night when darkness shields you away, do I still run inside your mind, swearing I’ll be the one beside you to watch you sleep? To run my finger on your face, in awe at the beauty of your soul? Would you look me in the eye and swear that you would spin out a whole new rhythm for us to move to, if time could be reverted back to where it all began. Does your heart still cry out for me? Do you still taste the nights when my sweat trickled down your skin and every breath you took was mine. Is my soul still somewhere tangled with yours?

Or have my memories already faded to black? Can you hold your pride up high, adamant, you have no regrets and swear I was always dispensable for you.

O my beloved, despise me, for all the years I gave you, if it makes you feel like a man. Scream poisonous words that are meant to break my heart. Everything will easily slip down my shoulders. Your reign over me came to an end, when I found my way out, and you’ll never hurt me again. Never again.

Now, I’m returning to the lands we marched on and left behind for the sake of our love. This time, I as I and not as we. All alone I plant these seeds of love and hope and I’ll wait for them to grow until all this death is, slowly once more, replaced by the colors of life and you and I gravitate to the ones to whom we really belong.

Forgiveness

2009-05-03T04:13:00.000-07:00

So the façade comes tumbling down, leaving me exposed to the open wounds, I so blissfully accused you of. The scars I paraded around on your name have begun to change. They no longer hold you responsible. The silence that ran parallel inside of me screams my own, as it hits the walls of my heart over and over again, leaving my body paralyzed with fear.

So now, layer by layer, the truth falls to the ground. I was so numb to my own existence that when I took you in, I felt my pain flow inside of you. I, deliriously, deceived myself for it to be yours. Your love became the drug in my veins that slowly dissipated throughout my body until I was rendered crippled without you. I, so, conveniently loved to point fingers at how you made me feel so broken. Yet, I found myself unable to let you go. Your voice made my body sing with pleasure. It made me dance to the songs that were unsung. The more you etched yourself inside of me, the more I felt alive. Until I completely forgot myself, and you became the reason I lived.

In our fervor of passion, we lost all sense of identities, pulling each other down in the quiet drone of our madness until each faded away into nonexistence.

So now that you’re gone and I’m alone, night after night, my body throws out the poison I fed myself. The tears go rumbling down, seeking forgiveness from my soul, for the atrocities I submit it to. You were merely an actor for the script I wrote. Finally, the time has come to take a bow and let the curtain fall close. You are free to walk where you will…and so am I…

You made me special

2008-12-31T09:05:00.000-08:00

Dedicated to Imran Ali Gul, Fizza Zehra, Sumbul Mujeeb, Zubia Basharat, Omar Qureshi, Anees Ahmad, Sukaina Juma, Sana Ahmad, Sabba Khawaja

There was a time in my life when I felt my days slowly crawling by. Minutes seemed like hours and hours felt like endless days. I spent them isolated in my anger, in my frustration. My mind numbed from the pain. My heart emptied from the tears that had fallen. I walked on an unknown path leading myself astray every time.

I moved through crowds of nameless, faceless people. Strangers hurried past me, as my body was tossed back and froth between them, but they always moved on without a single glimpse. A mist of hopelessness crushed my spirit. It silenced my speech. I reached out to hold something but found nothing and I finally fell apart. I was alone. Slowly down the road, the mist began to clear and in life’s brief moment, I saw you standing, smiling at me. The light you emitted was radiant like a star. You were a beacon that guided me through my dark journey to a place I finally called home. That place was standing right next to you.

You were my angel of love, my pillar of strength and my ground of support. Every time, I stopped in my tracks, I looked up and found you. Still standing. Still smiling at me. You stood there in my darkest hours of despair, in my anguish, my confusion, my sorrow.

You saw through the ugly parts and helped me embrace all that I was. If it was not for you, I would have still been drifting in a sea of uncertainty. Flung from the shores into the sea, like a little pebble, lost in the depths of the ocean. Just wading, never hoping to be found. You gave me the greatest gift ever: you completed me by being who you were.

So this is dedicated to all the hands I still hold and to the hands that slipped behind. When I feel the world’s hues have turned to shades of grey, I remember the colours you painted my life in, just by loving and accepting me. The time you’ve taken out for me will always remind me of how beautiful everything is and that I’ve been blessed to have been part of your life and to have to you part of mine. And no matter where we go, your gift will remain somewhere in my heart. So thank you for walking this journey we call life with me.

The Final Letter - Goodbye

2008-09-13T15:31:00.000-07:00

I wanted to write you something before my memory entirely fails me and you become a dream.

Even though my life without you had began long time back. I carry you secretly inside my heart. Hidden and protected from all, including myself, like a butterfly in a cocoon. Sadly, you’ll never come out to grow wings and take flight in my world. You are destined to die, as silently as you were conceived.

I do wish I could just take a peek in your life. Look at your smiling face and feel the radiance of your warmth seep through my skin. Look at you and know that you understand why suddenly I chose another road to walk on, away from you. Look at you and know that you have forgiven and see me the same. Just would look at you from some corner of your life, imagine holding you close to my heart and say goodbye, all over again.. live through the hurt of losing you again, just so I can relive that one precious moment of having you in my arms and smile, after you have gone from my sight, gone from my days, gone from my life, gone from my memory.

But I dare not step in the waters where you tread, fearing it would create a ripple in the calm then return once more to stillness. Fade back into nothing. Exactly, what will become of the time that is now. But somehow, since it is goodbye, it seems better this way, leaving everything unsaid and sealing our hearts for no one else to see what really existed.

Maybe words spoken, after years, would be powerful enough to draw up an illusion of what was left behind. Perhaps, never completely forgotten, lingering somewhere at the back of our heads, wondering, “What could have been?”, “How it should have been?”

Maybe, you still might have enough spark in your heart, not to have any regrets and smile at the thought of me with a sweetness in your mouth. Or possibly you might wake up one day and never have had felt my presence missing. Could you have already forgotten me?

Either way, what does it matter? I’ll never see you again. I’ll never hear your voice or your laughter. I’ll never even spring for my phone when it rings, quietly hoping its you. I know our lives have taken turns and can never go back. We craved out our paths, carefully, no matter how, unfortunately, it tore us apart. You were never mine to begin with.

Someone else will have the grace to look in your eyes. To touch your celestial skin. To feel your soul merge in theirs. To burn in the heat of your passion. To spend their days silently lying besides you; with you. I already retreated from the grounds where battles raged in the name of love and lust with you. There was no bugle sounded, when it all came to an end. No knights riding white horses came to save the day. Just the bitter reality that I lost you so suddenly, so quietly, so easily. I would have liked to have held on to you a little longer, a little tighter, when we waited for the bus, if I knew how short our time really was.

But alas, I have nothing left of you, except a few images of the person you embodied to be and the reminiscence of the days we wiled away in each other’s company. The places where you stepped, that once blared out your name, have hushed, as time created spaces between us. They no longer seek you, having turned themselves into a sanctuary for my solitude.

In my consciousness, my mind was intoxicated with guilt it drew from the bottled up emotions, you tried to hide inside. I felt like a stranger in a place I knew so well. And I couldn’t come in terms with it. A million questions raced through my head when I tried to reach out to you. I felt you turn away and did not want me to see you in your struggles. I could no longer hold on, so I let go. I picked up the integrity I had left and I moved on. Your happiness meant everything to me. And now, I refuse to look back because I’m scared to know how much I really loved you.

Needless to say, my pen moves at the thought of you when my defenses are down. When the world around me is in their peaceful slumber and I lay awake, thinking of you. The way you held my hand in yours. The way your face lighted up on seeing me. The way you looked in my eyes knowing it was wrong for us to be together.

Your love blew in my life like the spring breeze carrying the sweet fragrance of the blossoming flowers. And I felt you crawl under to the very essence of me. For awhile I squirmed at how you made me feel alive. Then I began to bask in the glory of having felt you. Till one day, you finally passed through me unto other lands where you really belonged. Your fragrance is still clinging stubbornly to me, slowly dissipating, until my body will engulf it whole and you will be lost.

This is how I choose to finally say farewell even though you are already gone.

Good morning, Sunshine!

2008-07-21T04:18:00.000-07:00

So here I am again. Breaking promises to myself. I wasn’t suppose to be shedding tears but that place, where we made a thousand memories, missed your existence terribly and somehow along with those memories it witnessed the tears as they fell. Forgive me for my weakness, if that’s what you call it. There were too many emotions that were anew to me but, finally, I’m letting you go.

You were a hope for me. A constant reminder that I deserved so much better than what I had bargained for. You were that single burning flame in the darkness, my own love had drowned me in. Your laughter defied the sound of the sadness perpetuating inside me. You were the sunshine, greeting me, after the long silent night.

You gave this motionless body, a soul to feel life, touch it and feel divine; your divinity. The crystal clear glance that you laid upon me washed the sins from my scars to restore purity and innocence to this unholy flesh of mine.

And there you were, always silent, yet your voice echoed through every inch of me. And I heard you, I came, I stumbled, I fell hard, I loved and then I lost... only to be born again. So here I am again. Alive. With a heart filled with love and a face full of smiles, yet somewhere inside me, my wings are still broken and I’m learning to fly… but I’ve been changed by you.

Forget Me Not

2008-07-21T04:17:00.001-07:00

Step inside my world, you’ll find pieces of me thrown across the floor, crushed under your weight. You come around here knocking, knowing how the door was torn down and how the path remained open for you to rob what you wanted. You took what you felt was rightfully yours and wasted it away, leaving me barren. How you chose to take the parts of me that made you feel beautiful. How conveniently you tossed aside what was broken and ugly residing inside. But don’t you forget that was even me.

Ode

2008-07-21T04:06:00.001-07:00

Explain to me the difference between a delusion and reality. Explain to me, why I’m building up fantasies around you, when I know you’ll never be mine. Why does the sight of you make my body tingle with happiness? Why do I want to kiss your forehead and feel like a woman? Why do I find myself wanting to fall into pieces, just so you can put me back together? Do you know the way you break down my defenses without even trying? You leave me feeling stripped of my skin, looking at the core of me. The vulnerability you make me feel is frightening yet it arouses me. You evoke feelings in me which I thought I had lost and once wanted so much.

Why do I want to cover you in a wave of passion and just bind you in my world? Just hold you for a brief moment and pretend you’re mine forever.

I wanna keep watching how beautiful you look when the sunlight hits your brown eyes. See you laugh, even though its not with me, but see your precious lips curl up and kiss your dimples. I wanna walk with you in silence and listen to what you are saying to me. Are you saying something? But will you risk it all to stand at the edge of your world to accept what is really mine? Or will our lives collide and shatter into fragments which we won’t even recognize and forever live to regret…

Extinction

2005-09-16T16:25:00.000-07:00

Eyes of love fixed on a world that does not exist.Twisted words played to keep the dice rolling.It's own thorns are killing the rose, which lies in the hand that doesn't hold.

Lucifer and I

2005-07-29T18:54:00.000-07:00

Rodents mark their presence, as they skitter away, behind the locked prison doors. Those rust eaten bars and these iron shackles, hold me back from sensing the light outside. Bloodcurdling screams of indiscernible demons, throws my mind in frenzy. I, desperately, try to break free. Tears of helplessness run down my face, as my skin rips open and blood oozes out. I remember the words of my Lord; “seek Me and you shall find”. I got down on my knees, carrying this naked body with me. I bowed my head and closed my eyes, with my heart asking for liberty from this horror. Happiness swirls over, as I feel myself devoid of the bond that held me locked. Footsteps peel my sight once more to the dungeon around. Fear descends heavily where my happiness had been. I, now, watched the hands of Satan put a leash around my neck. Feelings of betrayal sterilize my spirituality. Ashamed, I turn to face the ground below me. Despondency kills the faith left within me. He laughs in delight, as my weakened body struggles to crawl behind him. Every fall hardens my conviction: the Lord has isolated me. Satan pulls me where he wills, with me, following him blindly. I have been enslaved in the realm of the Prince of Darkness and there is no way out. Yet, the shielded light draws my attention. And, in the light when I look up to see, I realize that Lucifer is none other than me…

Heightened spirits

2005-06-07T05:00:00.000-07:00

Originally written on 26/10/2003

The soft cool breeze caresses the face as my eyes are opened again to the wondrous world before me. The mighty snow topped mountains disillusion the perception of distance. How close they look yet lie so far. The cotton candy soft, painted, white clouds float away obliviously, defying the strength of the mounted sand and gravel. The tall bright green grass moves to the rhythm of the wind. While the trees hold their sturdy position, the young leaves flutter in the wind and the old brittle ones let go of their branches to roam in a distant land under the clear blue sky. The smell of the fresh grass refreshes all my senses as I breathe it in. The wetness left on the earth from the morning fog, sends coolness through my bare feet all over me. A gush of wind touches me, runs through my hair and vanishes, leaving a smile on my face. The energy around pulls me in as I race against the wind. The grass gently crashes in me while my feet take the colour of the earth. The world is forgotten behind as I dash to cover more ground. The landscape rushes by as I try to run faster and faster and faster. Pearls of sweat gather on my face, my lungs are deprived of air and my face grows hot but I throw my head back laughing, swirling and fall gently on the ground. Everything is lost in the darkness as I close my eyes. The sound of my pounding heart and panting fill my ears. Soon the whispering winds, dancing grass, and hustling leaves are once again tantalizing me. But my vision is only brought alive with the sound of thunder. Black clouds quickly cover what were clear and blue minutes ago. Slow, cold rain drops touch my flesh. The lightening makes its presences known as it brightens the darkness then disappears. The rain pounds down as the roaring clouds accompany it. Rain drops trickle down my face leaving their taste in my mouth. Everything in my sight maybe drenched in water, the black clouds may cover the light, my body may shiver from the cold but the spirit within is brought alive and burdens of this life washed away…

The Last Goodbye

2005-05-28T09:48:00.000-07:00

Heavy thoughts weight my body down, as I try to lift my arms and move my legs. Sprawled across the empty room, blood wasting away from the slit wrists. Morbidity seizes me as my lungs seem they would burst. Tears of solitude cause the only motion in the room. Images of different people dance away from my eyes. A resilient voice calms me down as I take in my last breath and finally let everything go...

Lost love

2005-05-21T18:16:00.000-07:00

The stillness of an adult was transformed into the wonder of a child, as your love slipped comfortably within. The moonlight trickled down on us, as we crossed over water to dance and twirl. The stars burst into violent flames from the intensity of the moment we spent together. The wind freely sang our whispers, as smiles sealed our lips to conclude a perfect ending. Magic and fairytales became alive, defying all worldly rules.But somewhere down the lane, reality barged my path. I struggled to solve the conundrum, which would allow you beside me. How soon life succumbed to mortality. The journey that seemed so fulfilling has suddenly left a taste of emptiness that is slowly choking my life.These eyes are still blinded by the image of those memories that have been folded eternally in time. These hands grasp nothing, still searching for the fingers that were once entwined in mine. This heart still desires that blazing fervour, which was doused by the salt water that fell, as you slipped away from me.I miss you more than the frozen winter’s ground misses the warmth of the sunlight, which colourizes the lonely lands. Those barren grounds can not compare to the icy silence in my life without you. The fire that kept a thousand nights warm refuses to fight the cold away, without your loving presence next to me. I feel myself as footprints in the snow, lost in the heavy storm, vanishing forever without a trace. No chastisement could have been more severe than the separation between us.My body moves away but my spirit lingers behind where you have been laid to rest. The unmoving grin of your image arouse my inclination to merge into your universe. Yet, I can not join you till my time is done. My soul creeps slowly out of my body, bit by bit, as pain engulfs me wholly until I finally meet you again.

The Secret Prayer

2005-04-01T06:57:00.000-08:00

Was born pure as the Virgin Mary,
But the years heightened the darkness that I now carry.
Heart blackened more than coal,
Killed the purity of the Holy soul.

Wicked deeds poison in me every part,
Tried to live from the innocent start,
But the body yearns and will is weak,
For the Earthly pleasures, I wish to seek.

I crawl to my knees to your Grace,
Hoping for forgiveness so before You, I can show my wretched face.
Can my tears wipe my sins away?
How can my arrogance lead me on the right way?

At the time when Your beloveds stand tall,
Will I be amongst them or the ones who take the fall?
Will Your Hand of Mercy reach me in time?
Or will I be denied forever for my heinous crimes.

I seek to unravel the Gospel truth,
To uncover the precious diamond underneath the worthless soot.
I thrist for the Heavenly sign,
A life christened to find the salvation thats mine.

I tremble at the thought of You forsaking me,
Fortifying myself somehow against demons I can not see.
Only Your Blessed Name keeps me far from harm,
Your Presence alone makes me feel calm.

The blood in my veins for You I'll spill,
Nothing matters to me expect Your Almighty Will.
The holder of my soul and secrets i keep,
I beg of You not to humiliate me at the time we meet.

Mortal Existence

2005-02-28T07:31:00.000-08:00

This is me. The entity of infinite perfection. The benchmark of idealism. The paradigm of supremacy. The world acknowledges my existence, without my appeal. It cherishes the land I tread on, lingering on my scent. Echoes of my presence disrupt cynical hearts, illuminating their blackened aura. My mortality galvanizes craving, in the most selfless beings, as they struggle to become me. The splendor of my appearance breeds envy in all individuals. Nothing can compare to the beautiful life that I live.
Then whose reflection do I see? A distorted life splintered across the image. The sensation of radiance lost, with shades of grey engulfing all hues. Loneliness settled comfortably on the heavy sighs, as salt water rolls away to the ground. A desperate plea for a savior, to resurrect a dying soul, goes unheard by deaf ears. Haunting nightmares induce fear to live freely, while shadowy figures constantly point accusing fingers at me. Sanity seems to be slipping away, into total madness, as marks are engraved in the skin. A dark dreary world seems to have trapped me in its realm.
I seem to be caught up in fleeting illusions, as the hand of the clock moves on. I get pushed through a variety of joys and heartaches, as those illusions stamp their presence on me. I’ve been longing to break away, from the chains that have bounded me to this susceptible mind frame. The inability to distinguish, what I have lived and what I imagine, heats up the emotional turmoil brewing inside my head. But like other emotions lost, pain and pleasure will soon fade into each other, as I become numb to the world, to my body and my mortal existence.

The Free Spirit

2005-02-06T05:25:00.000-08:00

I move with the summer breeze
Once was trapped but now i have been set free
Sunrises and sunsets no more matter to me
I reached a higher place which you yourself 1 day will see

No more to run thru heaps of leaves
No more to run thru the flowers or beside the trees
I now run in your heart and mind
I run on the paths which u someday will find

This world is my carousel
Round and round i go on it as many times as i will
I dont have tomorrow i dont have today
I walk this earth without knowing every passing day

Shrouded in white a naked body somewhere lies
A girl sleeps peacefully while around the world cries
As i walk over there to see
I realized that girl whose lying quietly is me

I remember the life i lived before
Everything has changed nothing is like that anymore
The mold of clay which with me was brought alive
Is now lying dead as time couldnt be defied

The lips that once spoke now are hushed
The hands that once stroked now of life are flushed
The lips that once smiled now are still
The hands that once held now no more will

The legs that once walked will forever lie
The chest that once breathed will never again sigh
The eyes that once shined will now forever stare
Into nothing but emptiness this lifeless glare

I always believed to see another day
Never thought this clock would just tick away
Dear Angel you have by God's Will claimed my soul
Death will forever linger where once was my life's hole

So take my body down to my grave
Where i'll be buried would be my final resting place
My real home though away from light
But at least no more to worry about that Earthly flight

Do not cry for me i will never return
Even with one tear in your eyes my soul with pain will burn
Keep me alive in your memories and heart
May be that way we wont seem this far apart

She

2005-02-01T19:24:00.000-08:00

As I lie, under the darkened blanket of the night, my heart yearns for what the eyes do not see. Silent screams, trapped between the walls and my body, failing to vanquish, as unspoken words trench into deep desires. Distance torments every inch of me, while memories force my eyes shut. There, she comes alive once again. The way she moves in and out, playing twisted games of love. She’ll take me down to explore the dimension of her being, only to shut me out as I reach in to touch her. Heightened emotions come crippling down to the gloominess of solitude. Yet, she lingers around, never really moving out of my sight. She flaunts her innocence in her eyes and her smiles, making me want her more. I want to surround her in a wave of passion, to teach her unconditional devotion. I want her within my sphere of protection, to secure her celestial body besides mine. I want her feeling the warmth of my trust, to rekindle her dying flame.
Doesn’t she know how much I need her? She always seems to stray so easily from me. I run through a maze of confusion, chasing her at every corner. But when I turn, she’s no where to be seen. My world quickly falls to despair, breaking down every part. Then, like a lost child restored to his mother, her subtle presence awakens in me a stream of blinded joy. The flow of her soft words and caresses trample my fears away. Temptation, to entrap her, pierces through me. Even though she’s aware that she belongs to me, the lust of declaring her, forever to be mine, is strengthened with every look. The beauty of her face brings comfort to my soul. The sweetness in her voice brings harmony to my world. I can’t tolerate the thought of her slipping through my hands.
Yet, I do not hold on to her. I want her free from the shackles; to run where she wills. To share her laughter amidst whom she wills. She’s aware she belongs to me, isn’t she? She’ll come back. She always does. These are her mindless games. Till then, I lie under the darkened blanket of the night, as the heart yearns for what the eyes do not see. Silent screams, trapped between the walls and my body, failing to vanquish, as unspoken words trench into deep desires…

The Essence Of Parenthood

2005-02-01T19:21:00.000-08:00

This must be the joy of parenthood. Having the children whine about how dreadful their lives are, how suicidal and upset they are, thanks to your concern for them. Does every single child just concentrate on what they want? What happens to those parents, who spend every second of the day, trying to bring the smallest happiness in their child’s world? Aren’t they just left alone to cry in the night, and pray for something better? What about all those lovable childhood memories. Are they just washed away with the past?
Remember, the time your father got you a doll house, in spite of your mother protesting it to be too expensive to afford. Remember, he said, “It doesn’t matter. It’s for my daughter.” What about the time, he got you toys, which were heavy on the money flow. Just those happy smiles and excitement, would suffice no matter how hard times were. Somehow, almost everyday was Christmas. You instead ran up to him after 2 days, demanding for new ones, forgetting ever to appreciate what you were given.
What about when you were ill? The time your mother sat next to your bed. Remember, she teased you about not talking? You burst into tears, thinking she was picking on you. What about those tears, which fell from her eyes, watching you cry? The way she leaned over to console you. You instead covered your face, still thinking no one cared.
What about all those times, when they just wanted to know that they were loved, and their efforts appreciated? Remember, your demands were met, without you ever having to say them? You instead sat locked away in your room, listening to angry music, not willing to talk.
What about all those times, they wanted to be there and you pushed them away? Remember, they scolded you, just so you could be a better person tomorrow. You instead labeled them as hating everything that you did, breaking the rules further, and telling your friends that they didn’t understand.
Why are there so many scenarios of screaming and shouting? Why is it so hard to listen for 10 minutes to what our parents’ say, when they heard us every second of our day? Why are we the ones to cause them pain, when they were the ones who wiped our tears away?
Strange, how we are so empathic to other people’s tears and indifferent to our parent’s; then claim to be good listeners. Strange, how we put them away, like a forgotten book on a shelf, and cherish strangers; then claim to value relations. Strange, how we are overly sensitive and defensive beings around them, but accept the hardest criticism from the entire world; then claim to take advice. Strange, how we find it easy run to the arms of people, who declare they love us then leave, but are hesitant to hug the people who were there all our lives; then claim to be committed.
No matter who walks in our lives; a friend, a lover, a spouse. No one can ever replace them. Who else would carry you in their womb, enduring all sorts of pains? When you were too weak to walk, lifting you in their arms. When you stumbled, catching you so you don’t fall. Feeding you, clothing you, teaching you, and words fall short of what they did. But we are too selfish to understand. Only when we carry a child of our own, will we comprehend the true meaning of what our parents sacrificed on our behalf.